New Years Evil

"A Costume Party in December , are you mental?" I said to my friend John . "It's original and I already paid for the VIP room so ha!"
John was always planning things so weirdly. The Leap Year foam party that everyone missed cause of daylight savings time and misprinted calenders . Lets just saying showing up to a club in a Borat swimsuit a day early is not fun , especially if it 's "Lifes A Drag" gays night at Club Kaia. Jean and I were going to this costume party as cops and robbers. I had the costume on ready and was ready to go. Jean wanted me to go on without her as she said her hair looked " Fucky" and wanted her Jillpill to come and fix it for her. "You look fine baby , lets just go" I said seeing as she did look great. "Ah Baby just go , I'll be there OK. I love you." she say with her blue eyes looking at me.
"I love you too " those were the last words I said before I saw her three days later.

NEW YEARS EVIL.
By Robert Burford Jr.

Chapter one .The Costume Party.

Walking down the road , I saw a fight break out . Two white guys getting over a fight as one of them threw a snowball at the others girlfriend. I had nothing to do , so I broke it up and told them to "Stop and -" before I could finish the girlfriend of the guy spits in my face. Having a temper for that sort of Mucus shower , I punched her boyfriend. "Thank you for that my friend , officer-blome" he Say's in a German accent.
"You're welcome but I'm not a officer" I say in the mist of confusion
"Yes you are , you're exactly who I've been looking for Mr. Heywood J Blome."
Shocked I replied " You do know the context of the jok-". Before I could reply I get punched in the gut and put into a limo. It's negative 2 and I'm getting punched in the gut by someone I just saved.
"Listen (coughs) you have the wrong guy , let me show you my ID"
I pull out my wallet and forgot I left my drivers license with Jean cause I always lose it at parties. "Wait OK , I have credit cards"
The German guy looks at me and grins " How do I know they aren't under a fake name?"
I sigh knowing he wouldn't believe me . Looking out the window not knowing where I was going , we drive past Club Kaia , I see Jean standing there looking for me . " Fine Piece of Ass Huh Comrade?" the German says
"That's my damn wife you asshole!" I say before he pistol whips me knocking me unconscious.
I woke up in a chair not strapped or gagged.
LOUD SPEAKER: HELLO MR. BLOME , I SEE YOU'VE AWOKEN FROM YOUR PISTOL ACCOMMODATED STUPOR. SUPER! THAT MUST MEAN YOU'RE READY FOR THE SERIES OF CHALLENGES I'VE GIVEN YOU. YOU MUST COMPLETE THEM OR YOUR FRIENDS AT THE CLUB WILL DIE TONITE. IT'S NEW YEARS EVE NO? SO YOU'VE TILL TWELVE TO COMPLETE THEM . IF YOU SAVE THEM HOWEVER YOU WILL DIE IF YOU DON'T SAVE THEM YOU LIVE . ENJOY GOODNITE AND GOD BLESS.
I hear the vibration of the phone on the ground . It's a loud brrr sound. I pick it up looking at the "1 new message" it bestowed. Opening it I had I had my first mission.
From Brian:
Hello Comrade You're first mission is to kill Stretch McMahon , gun is in the bathroom in the first stall. You've ten minutes to get across town. One thousand dollars for you in his pocket. Retrieve it and purchase the drugs for your second mission . More to come :)
So It's come to this , just a everyday guy with a perfect wife and now sent to kill a stranger. I hate the New York Nite Life.
Chapter 2 : Stretch Gets His. coming soon.

Random Thoughts. 5:00 Funk.

Random Thoughts. 5:00am Funk.
By Robert Burford Jr.

Every time I listen to "In A Silent Way (Rehearsal)" I think back to a day when I tried to be Romantic. I was still with Sarah and it was Valentines Day. It was the first Valentines day besides with my Ex Fiance that meant something to me. I was happy . They were times like others that buying something for somebody would be something that makes me feel whole. Listening to it , It makes me wish I wasn't the hopeless romantic. I'm not mad. Sarah appreciated , Elisa Appreciated it and even that Crazy Bitch with a heart liked it.
My mind loves to put me in movie like situations. Hoping the one I like will show up at the door and say
" Robert It's Been You All Along"
Instead of
" So you think you can talk to Brandon for me?"

You see I'm not a hater , and I haven't seen one love story too many. It's just , I was born with a lot of love. Its something knowing , somewhere the one I love is either thinking the same thing or is Dropping out of college , either one. What? College is expensive!

Seeing as I should once again signed up for classes , I have not. LAME huh? So , Mr. Bob , why do you write these anecdotes no one reads?

Well the answer is simple my friends. I'm insane. If it entertains me , it's all that matters. Hell even my brother doesn't read them , but I still love him deeply. Sarah read them , and actually liked them , like no bullshit , I'm not flattering you and liked for me to read them like them. It was insane, which is why I think I became so depressed.
Our minds where at love at first thought , but was it love at first sight? I don't know and really don't care. It's seems to me like it just ain't right that I was shown the preview but didn't have the muster for the whole thing. I'm glad she's happy though and she whom she is always around is happy too. It's like it was the Lego piece that was always there but never put together.
Randomly writing It reminds me of a story:

The Tale Of Sir Galahads ( For Love)

Sir Galahads was a fierce knight who rode his horse on every full moon.
The Moon acting as a spotlight
Shining On It's Fearless Leader
He Rode and Rode
Yet nobody knew where too
He rode to find
Someone to complete him
To share his ride
Into a eventual sunrise
Though Brave
No one saw him
As if the princess he saved
Was always asleep when doing so
She woke up one day
Heard the gallop
It was too late
As the horse who neighed in the Night
Was galloping alone
Rusted and Torn
He'd Given Up
Fierce In War
He Lost The Battle.

God Bless and Good Nite
-Robert


(c)2008

The Marlows Complex.

Tonite was a bummer of a nite. It was misunderstandings ala no audience laughter amongst us. I wish I could say I was the bad guy in the situation but I'm not. In fact , if anything I don't know what I am . Just Mr. Bob I suppose.

The Marlow's Complex

I am a certified Neurotic. Do I want to be? No . It came to me through life's hidden nuances and my thought ,yes like my hair , receding. My life is great , yet the love in this club aspect still remains a mystery. I think of it this way. I'm not that bad of a guy. In fact I've been call " Too Nice " or "What A Nice Guy" or " Oh I thought he was Gay" . Now you might think me insane , and I am but I've always been down the road always traveled. If i didn't I'd be on the straight track to relationship like happiness. I've come across many women in my life. Everything from Bakers to Vdubs , snagglepusses to sparrows. Yet it's as if I'm watching the same movie all the time.

I always think of it like this. I always see a trailer for a great movie.The timing is right , and i can't what to see it. Now it's strange as , when you get the real movie , you're not happy anymore. All the good things were in the trailers and you're still looking for a marquee with nothing but good things I want to see.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't think of myself as this "Oh my God look at him" kind of guy. I'm more of the " Excuse me sir , you forgot to tie your ... Oh I didn't see you had leukemia due to the patches on your head" kind of guy. It's sort of like Gods weird scavenger hunt. I've found the plain Jane , the crazy psycho bitch , the one were it felt rite but it was flash forward to fast , and the one who sees what she wants in me but cannot grasp the fact .

Now I'm not perfect , I wear my heart on my sleeve as if it was tattooed there by a Buddhist monk some years ago. I thought I was so cool cause I had no more Mr. Nice Guy by Alice Cooper which still to this day makes me wonder why anyone would name there demonic son Alice and not Eric " Hot Damn" Boone. It's all good to say the least. I've found my self slowly drowning in the smoothness sans the rough edges of vodka bottles. I'm not an alcoholic and this is three years beyond a cry for help. Just airing my grievances to the five people who'll read this and the three times I proofread it to make sure it's' my space friendly.

I've been told I've been way too nice and thats my downfall . Judging from tonites happenings , I'm sure that it will be my demise. My niceness is causing me to hate even more. Like REEAAALLLY HATE. The thought of a relationship (speaking terms of myself) makes me want to watch a Dane Cook /Carlos Mencia special while Top Gun is in the background. Yes that is my version of hell. Sometimes though , watching the asshole from the sideline liquor the girl you've been eying up , and then they cry on your shoulder and wonder why "all guys" are bad but again are crying on my shoulder , it makes me wonder , should I care at all.

I'm leaning towards a hell no and a wow what a moment of enlightenment. The cloudy truth. Aside from my mom and some others , I don't think I should care anymore. My heart is becoming like the Grinch in the end but in reverse. I feel as if I'm turning into some green monster with yellow teeth that hate all the hoos in hooville.

Do I think I'll stay that way?

No but the way things have been going , I'm libel to say something . It'll shoot out like a cannon and I'm sure I'm going to inhale the smoke from the shot and have it engulf my lungs in gray guilt over the sudden outburst of the 1812 overture cannon shots. I love this world , yet ad mist the love of family and the love of friends , I'm growing more to loathe the inane aspects of subtle nastiness.

Well That's all I had to say. If you'd like to comment please do. Nobody will though, It's a nice thought. Well as I think of how I'm going to see this sparrow and if it'll fly when I'm around , I tell you Good Nite ,Love Life and loathe only those who thoroughly deserve it.

Be Safe

Mr. Bob (c) 2008

Little known Facts : Rap Songs!

Ten Interesting facts about Rap Songs

Pop Bottles by Lil Wayne and Birdman
It's such a good song pop bottles. Did you know it started off as a chips commercial?
"Pass those Chips man
And Then Pop Pringles."

Lil known fact "Birdman is a combination of Superman , and Big Bird. Growing up Birdman or Arnold Levenowitz loved rap and the his love of Sesame Street and Smallville even though he would not be born till 1971 and smallville would not air till 2005. He also loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer which almost led to him being called Morris which coencidentally was not a character on the show and caused his eventual depression and a reality show in development on VH1 called Project Chick in which Seventeen women from Flavor Of Love and Fourteen women who act "black" . It's such a good show let me tell you with the elimination phrase being "I'm Sorry But you're not a hot of girl as I thought you was " which led to the series being two hours longer as his reality show would be remixed by Dj Khaled , Who ? We Nigga him self. It's the first series as well to be chopped and screwed as well , which led to many angry white elderly people chucking there tv's out the window and furious midnite dinners at Denny's.

Cyclone by Baby Bash

Cyclone or Better watch out for that Aunt Flo as it's known in Japan , is an old ancient proverb from Sir Thylonius Painious who used to ghost write for shakes pere . His play "Doth Patron Goth Me Looseth" was ill recieved and the last play Shakespere wrote before he died. His last words before he died were "Wurr Wurr Wurr" which is what the car engine sound is in the song we speak of. It's also about a fat women who drank to much and proceed to spin around aimlessly like a cyclone , which led to the deaths of several midgets on Wiz On Dat Oz Nite.
This is crazy , it's amazing indeed.

Well that's it for now. Peace Out MotherF**KAS
I'm so not hood. Not Gonna Lie.
-Mr. Bob

Miss Construed

Thought I knew her
She didn't know my name
Gave me the token
So I Could Play The Game
She didn't know me
I've known her my whole life
She gave me daughter
Tried To make her my wife
In the end
Was Miss Construed

She tried to explain
Life is a sham
We should all give up
Not give a damn
It was too much for me
To see the other side of things
Side Of Things

Grew up in the church
Didn't believe in God
Her Dad was a pastor
He didn't find it odd
She tried to reach me
In a Email one till
Till the flow of alcohol
Flew me away.

The OHGOD

The OHGOD or Overtexting Her Goes On Deadly is a organization that helps those who can't stop when it comes to Texting women or women they like . Pleasdonttextmeanymourous Is A Disease that is cured by dating or the often sought after Woeisme Energy drink. Most times Overtexting is cause by the death of a phone or maybe shear paranoia after a few drinks. I remember Justin Moapis said to me He and his wife got a divorce because his jokes were just lol and not ROTFL.
The Overtext is a growing epidemic. I've been a victim of it. Just two years ago I was texting normal , getting my fair share of LOL's and :)'s . Then I couldn't stop ! My fingers asking stupid stuff like how's your nite going? *(for the fifth time)* and Would you rather commit suicide or watch a dane cook special ( which that question ends in a stalemate.). It started in the 1800's way before texting.
Jonah Mordor was a folk singer and a jester. His hit with Lil John and his merry men " What's with all this famine and Trickery?" was what Shakespere called Doth Eh. Jonah being a man of big stature loved a feeble yet beautiful woman named Euclid . He would always shoot arrows to her window and she'd always E-mule and it was a pain in the ass , yes I know , I just hope your brain isn't lactose intolerant. One day his verizon arrow missed the sprint window and hit her in her eye which was horrible as she was a pirate before and had removed her eye as well as her ears when Shakepere wrote a horrible play called Topus Gunnus.
She was completely blind and deaf. She broke up with him as he would constantly write in braile and she could not feel where he was coming from anymore.

We at OHGOD help our patients feel at home . We sit them down with the sound of dialtones filling the room. We do aroma therapy which consist of the smell of a dead battery in lavender and a dad crying because he just saw the phone bill. We do therapy sessions every Tuesday and Friday. Let's listen in shall we?

Hi my name is Eric and I'm an Overtexter

(Room says Hi Eric!)

I couldn't stop. It was going good. She actually texted me how I was goin you know ? Me! I'm always the one who does it. Two hours of LOL's and I think I got a sentimental Smiley . It was the great Ben Franklin who said "Bitches Love Smiley Faces". Then my thumb got tingly. I'd just made a good joke and then I started asking lame question after lame question like " What do you think about the theory of relativity? or "If Today Is Not Tommorow then is the past the present when the future comes to light or is the future the past and we exist in the present tommorow if it's really not today?" you know lame stuff like that . Which is weird though as the response I got was that of Huh? and What are you Patronizing me?. I had to suffice and tell a dane cook joke . It was a last resort , trust me.
( The Dane cook joke that was used)
If you're going to type a Dane Cook Joke Make sure you use caps lock.)
I GO TO THE MALL AND THERES THIS OLD GUY AND I'M LIKE HEY OLD GUY AND I PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE AND THERES BLOOD EVERYWHERE AND I'M A TOOL SO I LAUGHED AND HE DROPPED A SALT SHAKER IN HIS PANTS AND HE WENT INTO A SEIZURE AND I SAID TO MYSELF I WISH I HAD DROPPED MY FRIES CAUSE THAT DAMN OLD BASTARD TOOK MY SALT. ( Then the joke goes into how he denouced God became the anti christ and made half the world angry seeing as loud isn't funny unless you're Sam Kinison or A TV Evangelist"but by this time half the audience is asleep.)
Anyway back to the therapy session.

She said LOL and then she said I was a sell out because I didn't have a kick ass signature like Stacys Bitch. Which is weird cause her name was Maureen.

If you ever feel like you're at the end of you're texting rope , come to OHGOD. It'll give you're thumbs a rest.

If you want a brochure send it to :
OHGOD
Notagain , Rhode Island
911911

(c) 2008

Mr Bob Loses His Keys

It was Friday and it was all set. I'd just gotten off work , a good start to a good day. We turn in our weapons and go home which is weird as I work at the Shopette. J.K. Anyway after dreaming of Tall girls with short hair , I got up and said it's time for a run. Something told me to stay home. I mean I had a hot date with this red head I'd met at Barnes and Noble and there was this huge party , life was Sweet to say the least .
Listening to Rick Ross's Everyday I'm Hustlin gets me pumped as I run around. Headphones in ears , my phone on blast and my keys a jingling. 60 minutes of happiness and enlightenment. I felt God in my soul running down the sidewalk of a No Morale town . Sweat comes off my head as I go to the Shoppete as water is a must. So there I am running Headphones in ears , my phone on blast and my ke... My KEYS! Where the hell are my keys?! I look around searching desperately for them.
4:00pm
I walk the same path over and over .
One New Text Message
Brooke
I'm Really Excited about our nite ! I have to tell you , I've always been stood up though , but I know you're different. By the way, No Undies tonite Hehe . :)

Two thoughts came to mind :
When she said no undies , did she mean me or her?
B: What the ! If I can't find my keys it's no Regina tonite .Gaaaaaay. True Story

Text her back a " I can't wait either :0) Not Gonna Lie ."

Though uh yeah Reeealy was. It's almost five and the suns still up thank God. I've only a prayer and a cell phone and a lil mile davis to calm me down. This is gonna suck , I'm sure

5:00
I walk back to the dorms to my friend Hugh Speds room. He's on his new computer doing God knows What . I'm just glad it's static free so when he..um yeah. Anyway Hugh and Riddler are doing nerdish things I wish I could be doin , and I tell him

Mr. Bob : Dude I Lost My Keys

Hugh and Riddler Simultaneously : Dude That Sucks.

Hugh : You can borrow my car if you want.

Mr. Bob : Thank You

That was not the only time I'd hear "Well That Sucks" come out of a friends mouth. If' I'd made it to Brookes in time I wish "Sucks that well " would've came out of my mouth in Yoda like Fashion

Time is going on like a mad man watching Flavor Of Love asking himself " why did Hanky the Christmas Poo get his own show? He looks so life like" With Hughs car almost at empty , I quickly rush it to the parking lot , give him his keys back , borrow a hoody ( which I still have to wash ) and I'm back to walking the same path again which is about two miles.

6:00
I'm sure now a Prairie Dog mistook me for Hines The Dak Rat Hunter and stole my keys. It's plain to see now that my keys are long gone. Sooooo GAY! I go back and look in my dorms again and I see Jersey a friend of mine in his Tom Cruise in Cocktail sunglasses waving hello. I tell him my situation and he says
"That sucks.Dude , we must find these keys. It's almost as if we're like Bill and Ted but like you're Bill Cosby or something"

We search in his car , search somemore and search again. No Cigar but alot of cigarette butts. Looking towards the sun and down at my watch it's now . OH MY GOODNESS Eight O CLock!!!!

Two Missed Text Messages
One From Sparrow
One From Brooke

Sparrow
Heard about the key situation. That Sucks . Not gonna lie. What are you gonna do?

Brooke
Hey Babe! I'm here at the Party , let me know when you get here. I'm in this hot ass red dress and all the guys are checkin out my cleavage.

I text sparrow:
I'm going to keep looking . The suns going down so the keys are going to have to shine somewhere.

I Text Brooke:
Brookie Bear I have a confession to make . I lost my keys while I was running .

No text back so far.

8:30 : I've done approx. 12 miles on foot mostly walking. My keys are no where to be found. It's mad! I'm going insane asking God " Why Can't I Find My KEYS! I'm Not Yelling or Questioning you but Please Help!" ... I still can't find them.

Two new Text messages

Brooke.
:/ I guess you're not goin then. I got all dressed up for nothing. Didn't I tell you running was bad. At least you had a legit excuse. You want me to come help?

Sparrow
Well I have faith God will help you find your keys.

I respond with a Yes To Brooke and I know he will to Sparrow

It's getting dark and I'm getting nowhere . My keys long gone . Passer by must've took em or kids getting off the bus. It's a shame when you are feeling better bout yourself and the Devil wants your demise immediately.

I thought about it though and I'd rather lose my keys than a loved one. I get back to my locked dorm and the Cops come and let me in. Brooke come later in cute sweatpants and a Red Target shirt. She's beautiful and here for me . It's refreshing.

I never found my keys that day. They said the party was one of those You'd Had to be there. Even The Boon E Suzuki was there break dancing. Celeste and Watts where doin body shots off of midgets snorting cocaine off of white girls who acted black who danced like Hispanics with problems while Tony Molae did the soulja boy with Airborne Regional Caldwellus who proclaimed Caucasia was coming who did the strangest thing and made a very drunk Beansy who was with her home girl Kristaal rapped about the war all this while on that patron!

Party's these daze are overrated and Sparrow said none of that happened anyway. Pure Sausage fest were her exact words though I'm sure she was tryin to make me feel better.

I miss you my keys , come back and lets drive on and open the doors to new horizons.

-Mr Bob

(c) 2008

Believe it or not The Mr. Bob Monologues.

Believe it or not The Mr. Bob Monologues.
Letters To Others. The Backstory
I was trying to get to know my ex girlfriends friends , which in hindsight just made me laugh.I’m a man born with a mind that’s so outside that those inside won’t let me return when I want to be "Normal" you know? The names have been changed . Don’t know why but they have but hey , who really cares?"
(February 1st 2008)
Hi Malaysia , if you don't know by now my name is Robert , and it would kinda sad if you didn't seeing as How famous I am in Japan. My Hit Movies A Chink In The Armor ( which was banned in several countries I don't know why) and Me Love You Long Time ( a Japanese romantic horror movie and not my best work as it was indeed Japanese and I had no Idea what was going on.Kung Pow Indeed)That's actually how Babel and I met. She might tell you about some story about her and I at a restaurant but don't believe it. While on tour with The Wu Tang Clan , being the new member taking over old dirty bastards spot (as pretty young clean douchebag), we again were in Japan and she was performing a show called VDUBIOUS , a Mystery show in which lasted two days , as well you know of her short term memory would forget it was indeed a mystery show and the cops were tired of her calling her everytime someone dropped fake dead or ate the food there , which is strange as they named a dish after me call Creamofsumyongguy , don't know why though. Anyway , she was in a Kimono and she said "Wow Bwack and Not Steweotwypical , how Iwonic" Yes Melinger she did have a lisp back then , which our account of how she got rid of it was documented in the 1969 movie Apocalypse Now.Ok So I'm crazy sue me. I know you and Melinger are like this ( Insert finger cross here) I just wanted to let you know that I'm not a douchebag and that I have the utmost respect for your sis. I care about her alot , but actions speak louder than the words a keyboard types so I've alot to prove and gain.I'm happy and I think she is too , actually I know , though her nickname for me ( which is Punk Ass Bitch, romantic isn't it ?) is a dead giveaway.Well have a good nite and be safe , hope to hear from you.-Robert
(Editors Note: Shortly thereafter became the first one to say F You using hieroglyphics though how an owl is used for the F word is beyond me. I digress as It’s my first offense)
This next letter was written several years ago. Its since then been my notebook and was transcribed by Several Jewish men . When I told then I didnt want words like Meshuggnah or
Oy! In it . They got offended , turned their big noses and left. Undaunted I transcribed this letter and come to find out , really wrote it seven Minutes Later!)
Or at least that what I gathered from your profile. Hi Shirley,or should I say thee "Infamous" , from the stuff Babel told me of you . You know , the saving the innocent and the ability to fly and what not. So before I introduce myself , I must ask you a question. To feel Ninja , is it to feel Asian and if an Asian feels Ninja is he feeling himself ? Is that why they're always , you know what know gonna go there. Though I do think the Phrase "Whats Up My Ninja?" is just the Caucasian way of Not Getting In Trouble around black people. First off let me tell you , I am indeed insane. In a good way , I only take at least 45 pills every two hours , which is a pain in the ass. No I'm serious , they're suppositories , which is spelled completely wrong.Babel is what you call my female doppleganger in that we have a lot in common but at the same time are stubborn , not to mention she can bench press me , or was bitch slap , my mind slips. I'm a runner , which explains why I lost the front part of my hair. Babel is only dating me to help me find it , then it's breakups ville and off to marry Gerard Butler of 300 fame. When she finds out he's in the kinky stuff , like you know sex toy , dog sweat ( thats what I hear and thats how he got so pumped up for Phantom of The Opera ). I can't help the way I am.......ahem... this is the part where you say it's going to be ok sheesh. Well it's off to watch Rock Of Love 2 and see which Venereal Disease he'll get this year. Maybe Poison , HA!Be safe and hope to hear from you.
( which in turn REAALLLY DIDN’T. True story. I kinda think I offended her. Oh not with words just the mere fact I mentioned the word Ninja. She got offended seeing as Ninjas are that of a easily offended breed. It took several years for ninjas to be able to marry mimes in what some called " A Silent Ceremony" . Let me tell you the releasing and killing of the fake doves at Marcel Marceau Memorial was Beautiful , from what I heard , which wasn’t much , actually no I take that back I think I’m deaf. I digress as this was my second offense What can I say , I’m a repeat offender.
(I wrote this back when I was touring with Dylan back in the Sixties. Yep , kinda told him to go electric. Didn’t really go so well but people are fickle bastards some time. The day acoustic died my ass. No really my ass did die , we buried it in Canoga Park next to a thousand Latino Butts. It was sad and rather foul.)
Dear Dr Zeaus
My spleen , whom we'll say is named Ronald from Rhode Island , you're guess is as good as mine , and I had a heart to heart though it was really a weirdo to spleen , anyway I told him it's not the size that counts it's how you want the x-ray to perceive you. He agreed and after this rather insane public affair happened I got invited to a hip club called Bell Vue or something. Hmm. Oh my brother would like to know when The Monkees are playing. Get it cause you’re Dr. Zeaus you know the planet of the...never mind. Being a Weird O like myself took alot of practice Mr. Z. As you can tell by my Pulitzer Prize winning Myspace messages (which they took away from me seeing as I don't know how to spell Pulitzer) I'm indeed insane. Not the bad blow up the world insane, that's Hussein it's different than sane but he's dead and that’s neither here nor there. I had a talk with a red stuffed animal bear your babel gave to me whom I called Bear Bob Burfkins The third (Prestigious Eh?) whom informed me that it's not easy being a stuffed animal. Burfkins went on to add " We're not all cuddly you know? Just the other day I had a talk with a very disturbed tickle me Elmo who said that it was awful to see the look on the kids face when he found out that Elmo was the other man in his mothers life. I don't think it appropriate to hear HAHA that tickles and hear a mom reply You Don't Know The Half Of It."It was a rather long conversation that will be on audio only probably a whole world of never but maybe someday.
( Pretty Soon after this attempt at .. Well I guess a "Hi , how are you?" Mr Bob Style ,I was like a unsober Bandita , Swing and a Misses . As you can tell it clearly worked as I’m now single.....Wait what? Heeey!)
© 2008 Anume.

Madame Tsos

Being the Self Proclaimed " Mr. Bobiest" of Mr. Bobs I've come to a distinct conclusion. I've got a Case of the Mondays. Growing forever worrisome of my pending assassination , in which my last words will be " I'm not Obama" to which they'll reply , " Doesn't matter , we'll keep tryin". My Light Skinned Friends WATCH OUT! Drinking this Vodka and Welchs Sparkling Grape , I've figured out that not only is Shawly Lo a very stupid F**king name but that I'm an accidental victim of "You're attracted to the weirdest women" syndrome.
I ask Dr. Boone via Dixie cup thanks to Verizon Wired to explain my disease.

" It's not a disease per se , it's just you're in a career field where women find even the a hole retard who's mean to all he sees cause he's truly a man of mental handicap extremely attractive because "He doesn't let off the fact , he's deep inside" she says whilst getting poop thrown at her face or as she calls The Shittiest Form Of Endearment.
(Oh by the way , I'm listening to You Are So Beautiful By Joe Crocker and it reminded me of a mixed CD I made for someone you can read many stories about in different stories I've written and four people read. Makes me laugh , she was , then it was like how the rest of them turn out , HEY WHAT THE F**K?. )
Being a doctor , I must inform you that you will find a "Normal" in a drastic state of CRAZY! Alot of men blame it on the Periods of the sentences they love though the sentences they love eat so many puntuations they turn into paragraph , thus making them gasp for air whilst in the shades of love making , with each thump of the roll on the chest is keeping him alive like some sort of unorthadox form of CPR-I digress.
In rare form Mr. Bob , you'l find the women in the disguise of a normal. Almost like a wolf in see through sheeps clothing , or a sunday sheep by the holiness of the garment the wear. They'll come up to you and you'll be like " I like this , though in the end you're like , "How the hell did I get in this straighjacket?"

Dr. Boone was rite . I knew I'd dated a unnormal when I stopped getting invited to parties. It's weird when singles don't get invited to singles seeing as two singles were going to a singles party thus making "Together" though the single who the singles thought was mature loves to listen to hearsay or scientifically speaking Imstilliusinthehighschooliousmentalitus. Almost 21 HA! Anyway the female single of the two singles was distraught at the fact the one single , see not I just got confused. It's like how when Lindsay Lohan had the one "hit' called Rumors. It was true ,
I'm sick of rumors starting
I'm sick of being followed
Na nan nana nan
na why can't somthing or somethin

I can't remember the words. I think the song was about how she was hot which made her depressed and do coke or was that a shitty Red Jumpsuit Apparatus song? I do not know.

Well thats it , this buzz is amazing. Why did I start drinking? Well , ask the women with the blood of hearts covering their mouths with only the black light to see them. Hey , I'm not bitter, just happy I can still masterbate!!!

(c) 2008 Welcome back hack indeed.

Doesn't It Make You Feel Better? (Depression State Part 1)

Depression State Part 1
By Robert Burford Jr.

Sitting here , 3:52 in the morning , I think back to a time when I was in love. In a manner of speaking it's only been once. Her name ? Shannon Zen Flower , which is strange as a Zen flower she percieved herself to be , but well I'll say more later. I've been a resident in the depression state since 2008 about a week after V.D. , a day in which you should be loving your wife everyday but if you haven't God forbid you forget Valentines , same for women. I'd recently moved from the Depression state to Destin E which is a off shoot of Hopesville. She told me , she dreamt of living in Woezme , Selfloathe , a bland awful place with bad tans and awful attitude.
At first glance she didn't look like the type to belong in Woezme. We'd been so Happy and one day I got ODD or the The One Decibel Disease , causing me to walk on physical egg shells. Needless to say with my inop , she found safe haven in Woezme. I hear from her seldom but when I do it's not her but a shell of what used to be. Really sad huh? Lying their on my made bed in the town of Zyloft , I think to my self of how I was saved during the Bermuda months.

The Explanation of The Bermuda Months

The Bermuda Months consist of December , January and February particularly because of Christmas , Midnite New Years and Valentines Day or the F You for Havin somebody Months.

December


January February

Why call it the Bermuda months? Well , the Bermuda Triangle is one of the world most mysterious phenomenons ( can't believe I spelled that rite without speel Chock , wait what?)
. Like the Bermuda Triangle , you can get lost in the Bermuda Months and never be found or hell even find what you're looking for. The seas of those three months are vicious without the love of family and friend. However , those relationships still don't fill the void of the Boyfriend Girlfriend love you seek. The void of Christmas Morning , the missed kiss of Midnite New Years and the not even candy gram of Valentines Day , which has the initials V.D. because you get burned so many times on that day , it pretty much sticks with you till your "Penicillin Love" cures you .
Once Stanley Opalie of Cresent Heights looked for love in the Bermuda Months. He gave the girl he liked a card for Christmas , Kristal for New Years and Four Dozen Roses For V.D. Lil known to him and not being apart of this Depression State yet , she told him "I'm Jewish" , shared the Champagne with the asshole ignoring her who poured it out no less which she found hilarious and hated flowers , but hey she raised morale with others around her , which is quite an Inside joke to Beansy. Stanley was lost in the Bermuda Month , we still haven't found the nice guy with in as it was dead on arrival when he crossed the state line.
I've been in the Depression state many times , and it gets old but sometimes you need to go there to build upon the knocked down blocks that spell L O and V with the E missing. I love gray so this place is perfect and it's weird cause most people here work at some job in the air force involving cops , go figure seeing as Govenor Kose turned Moralenia into a shit hole . Just because you're in the state doesn't mean you're abandoning your family and friends but you are just sad because of the situation at hand and friends feeding you thoughts is not something that helps your psyche.
Shannon
Coming back from Corpus Christi , I'm focused , not wanting a girlfriend , with myself and my friend Hugh Sped in agreement meant that it would be best for the new years. Sure nuff , God intervenes and 7 hours later I've one of the best nites of my life. Shannon made me feel alive again. Though whilst visiting family I felt at my best , she made me feel more you know? Like I could do anything. It was as if it was love at first sight , well at first you know? She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen before the transformation. Brown flowing hair , the shirt striped and her jeans perfect. She'd arrived late and we instantly hit it off after one Intro. Her smile breathtaking. Her pretty friend wanting to take a hit of the Marlboro 27 , though she like me infatuated by the voice of one another.
See , she like me , were not going to go , again Divine Intervention and I thank Sparrow for the push to go. We go to the Pool hall with friends and it's just as if we'd know each other for years though it was only five hours. All over each after every turn and a kiss on the cheek from me , it was on , the romance of course, I give two shits about sex seeing as I'm a professional at Asexual practices. Conversations from where are you from , to the meaning of DSL's (Drake Simpsons Lesbos to the naive and dull) and just pure attraction with a hint but not alot of lust. Both feeling confident in every syllable of what we say . Off to Arbor Mist it up. No , that's not a sex act near the foggy lake , it's the drink with a veggie snack to follow. They come later , and she comes to my room which of course is Immaculate as always (coughs "Bullshit!) who said that ? We Tell Sparrow and Hugh that we have to look for the controls to Guitar Hero which we were. Though we wanted some of the wow I'm really into this person alone time we all experience or some will experience later. During that time , I had the confidence not allow in the Depression State to kiss her which was really great. I remember where we stood and the random make out sessions that followed. I'll always remember that nite for the shear fact we kicked ass in Buzz the game and Guitar Hero and loved having each other around.
What followed were four glorious weeks of getting to know you late nite conversations
What followed was The Transformation of Shannon
What followed was My Ticket Back To The Depression State she saved me from buying was upgraded to first class at the end.
It was a rough last two weeks , two weeks in which I almost died in the Depression State.

Part Two : The Month of Happiness, The Transformation , and how I got back to Hopesville.
Coming Soon!

(c)2008

Enlightenment is Upon You Joseph

Sorrow hung above Joseph
Desperately trying to forget her
Wanting the image faded from his mind
Though memories still abound
He edited the good times in his head
Even if bad times were aplenty
Naive to the conspiracy like break up the shatter him
He only saw her in his other prospects

Till one day she came along
Blond Hair , Brown Eyes
Skin as clear as day , soft to the touch
Every curve in the rite place
The Sky blue dress hitting all the rite notes
She's a Beethoven Symphony
With a Zappa/Davis Medley Personality

She approached Joseph with great sarcasm
I'd wish you'd ask me to dance
Stead of looking into your soul
Trying to find what happened
You looked as if you lost your way
I'm the map
Well for you , the GPS to your road from Self Pity
A Road To Redemption
The Sky Blue you see before you
Means Clearer skies ahead
Leaving the raincloud above alone and cryin for the day
I'm here now
For you

Joseph Enlightenment was of unexpectedness
He realized the whole "Love will find you ...is true"
Not something Married and Unsingle folks tell you
So you don't have to ruin their day

The Blue Dress clear his mind
Her Face the Sun that made him shine
He was in love , if not for the first time
A love of substance
Not just one good nite
A good nite not meaning a one nite stand
A nite that had all the rite moments
Like in a sitcom clip show
Moments though in the past
You remember them like it was yesterday
or January 14Th/15Th of 2008

He found love
Helping me to realize
She's out there
My sky above
Saving me from the dullness
Shining once again
Happier than the earth
When the sun rises on it's dark nites
Causing nothing but happier days.

(c)2008

Judy

Judy
By Robert Burford

Judy loved the Cowboy
Watching him slowly walk
Jeans Tight
Boots Laced
Marlboro Lit
Wifebeater see through
From the sweat of a hard day's work
She'd often speak of him
Wondering of his next move
Watching him , almost like a shadow

He never noticed her
This girl
His passion was for the like of a loner
Thinkin for himself
Doing things his way without a second opinion
God being his only judge and jury
Though he felt this way
His always bestowed a hat tip
To Lucy before sundown

Lucy saw him at the rodeo
Dressed up in Saturdays finest
Tight Capri's
Hair Down
Make Up Not Too Much
Just Rite
She approaches him
She takes him by storm
As if the bull kicked him
Makin him blind
To what treasures lied in front of him

Without thinking
She kissed him
He returned it
The Cowboy found his cowgirl
Lil Lucy whom always seen him
Now is seen by him
Two people now in love
In each others embrace
The sounds of the horse gallops echo
As they ride of in to the Sunset of New Futures and Blind Horizons

(c)2008

Mental Eulogy

Mental Eulogy (letter within the casket)
By Robert Burford Jr.


I saw you slowly disintegrating
On Tuesday
You were drowning in a bottle of spirits
Losing yours in the Process
Happy Smiles you brought to us
Now gone like your hope
She really mean that much to you?
To leave us like you did
She bragged of other loves
Do you know what she'll say
When she tells her friends
Her loves so strong it made him weep ,weak, and woe is me'ish
You gave your heart to a butcher
We all have a piece hanging in the shop
She obviously split yours in half
Weird though shes a vegan
You'd laugh at that if you were here
You died inside before the other "one"
You desperately sought
Never got a chance to be the guy
That she and We all loved
Laying in your unorthodox bed
I see you laying there you bastard!
Did you not feel the love around you?
Did you not see the look on your parents eyes when she got the news?!
Did you not regret it when you felt the first slice at where your watch used to be?
I'll never get a chance to ask you these
As you lay motionless before me
The butcher had your heart
We had the money to buy it back
Lying there battered and bloodied
The heart reminiscent of you when I found you
Lifeless on the floors we shared laughs
The one you left for
Laughs of how much you cared
I laugh at
How you died with a printed picture of the two of you
stuck to your stained shirt
Probably before you didn't want to die
Congrats you did it
We miss you
I miss you
Haunt my dreams
Relinquish me from my nightmares
I Love You
Goodbye...

Key Largo.

Being in a funk for 31 Days I've realized that broken hearts are indeed for assholes and the women who love them. I'm not one of them....

Key Largo , New Words and Dance Moves.
By Robert Lee Burford Jr.


Traveling to Key Largo was a handful. From the Stewardess who kept flirting with me Osmosisly ( either it was her lipstick or the Tranny on my left with the herpes sore) while I was asleep , to the ramblings of the white girl who kept insisting she was black , before I told you can only say Nigga Please , push your thumb against your nose and Pop your collar so much before you realize you look like a dumbass with a Stereo Typical Disease or the Other STD. Stepping off the plane was that of sweet relief. I'm loving this weather here and look there's my limo . I could tell it was mine seeing as the driver was a beautiful blond name Monique and she had the words "Ride For Mr Bob" written in Marker between her cleavage.
Why am I in Key Largo you ask? Nosy Bastard , I'm searching for new words. Let me explain , you see words in today's society are really dyslexic in their meaning. For Examples:

I was walking with a Friend of mine and he said " Damn this song makes me feel so HARD rite now" To which I thought " Why do I want to know that you have a boner listening to Rick Ross? I know he's the The Boss but come on , I'm sure I didn't want to know about your Erection"

Another instance. I didn't want to drive down a dark road and my then girlfriend whom again thought she was black said " Damn , You Scary" which if you think about means I'm scared of you but in turn Mr Bob is rite yet wrong at the same time. She explained " It means damn you're scared of whats in front of you" To which again I replied with " Um can't just say You're Scared..hmmm too much huh? Yeah too much to ask?" To which she being the thug she thought pulled out a nine , sadly she was mistaken ed as it was four ones and a five , as she was indeed , a fan of 50 cent.

Being 23 and Single (ladies?) I've realized that I've said alot of slang words like Groovy , loser and my favorite Youbaldimpotentbastard . ( At this time I'd try to stay at the Hudden Hotel , though by pictures on my space , they insisted singles only , though looking inside it was just A Sausage fest with a couple of Supreme Tacos. Nothing special. So I decided to stay at Full Ton Resort , a place where you're always welcome and the food and alcohol run rampant) I meet up with Samuel Boonsten , a connoisseur of new slang.

Sam: How goes it Mr. Bob?

Bob: It goes , it goes. Now I understand you..

Sam : Really? Not gonna ask me how I am?

Bob : Scuse me , how are you?

Sam : Ah nope that time has past , just get on with it

Bob : All rite. What are some new words?

Sam : I mean not even a how are you? Rudeness .

Bob : Um , said I was sorry.

Sam : Well anyway , there are alot and I mean alot of new slang words. Um today I heard one where you say " Damn Baby , you're so Tilex"

Bob : Tilex ?

Sam : Yes you rude boring bastard . It mean Wow you're so clean without anyone touching you.
It's taking the world by storm.

Bob : Hmmm , I hear there's one that ladies like now?

Sam : Yes it's um ..... oh "Damn Girl , You're Loreal"

Bob: Loreal?

Sam : I wish you would let me finish a story. I mean if you wanted Cliff notes , I would've wrote you. Wow , rude again. Now as I was saying , "You're Loreal" it's telling that special woman in your life , wow baby you're so worth it'

Bob : Huh. Well it sounds to me that it's mostly commercial slogans that are taking the nation by storm

Sam: It would to you you bald bastard. You ever hear someone go , Thats so Geico? Huh? You ever heard of That's Straight Barnacles? No ? A lil person named Spongebob , heard of him? Figures. Now can I finish or you I mean Really? You Serious? Really?

Bob: Go ahead ....schmuck

Sam : HOW DARE YOU. I'll go on but we sir are going to engage in the most vicious type of fisticuffs. Anyway , you go up to your girl rite ? The new thing you say , is venereal diseases . That's so doe rite now ,you heard ? Like you go

"Hey Baby , wow you look beautiful rite now. You got me so herpes rite now." You see that mean like oh I got this good warm sensation going on. It's like I never want you to go away. You dig? I should get arrested by the mental police for indecent exposure cause I'm straight blowin your mind and invisi semen is flowing from the ear drum. That's rite sir, you just had an eargasm.

Bob : Yeeeaahh , um sorry what? I pretty sure that's the gayest thing I've ever heard in my life. It's not an eargasm if you're getting mindfucked.

Sam : Oh ok funny ... hahaha. Anyway , last word of the STDs is
"Say you have a crush rite? You're like damn baby you got me straight syphillis" She's drivin you so crazy rite now. You're like "Ain't no cure , you got me buggin" which is true cause most people who are buggin have aids the bug.

Bob : Wow ,so this was really unexpected. Um you're really rude. Thanks Sam.
(A Man comes over)
Larry : Hi bob , I'm hear to talk about words with you

Bob : (confused) if you're hear to talk words , then who was

(Sam runs away)

It was a shame , though most of those words were the new slang as it turns out.

New Dance Moves:

The Steering Wheel Is Too High

Damn It Hot Huur

Are you sure you have herpes?

The Heart Attack

The Muhammad Ali

So many dances. So Lil Time


I'm Robert "Mr. Bob" Burford reporting. Look for The New Dances Moves Explanation , Another Love Story I'm Sure and Why It's called Vagina for a reason.

(c) 2008 Welcome Back Hack.

Beer Porn and Stupidity

Beer Porn and Stupidity.
By Robert Burford Jr.

As the insomnia seeps into my brain as well several hours of Rock Band royalty with Preston and the Ever Changing Sparrow (whom seems as if she wants to fly away down a road less traveled) , I think about the shear mysteriousness of Life and all that it inhabits. Granted I do like to make up stories , this is true, still even Dr Seuss wrote real words in his spare time. Still getting over the Yearbook stamp that was left on my mind ( Any woman would be lucky to have you , which in fact means that that means every woman cept her or him) I listen to words in music more carefully. Music is like an IV to a Dehydrated mind . One song comes to mind , Lost Cause by Beck . It's as if he, as well as most neurotic Americans have been dumped by those who long for something yet what they seek was something they already had or the generic asshole version most people get when they get to picky.
Closing my eyes , I go inside the archive that is my brain , and see that I'm attracted to crazy women. When I'm in love with a crazy woman , I feel as if maybe my arms are the padded room they've been looking for or that they want to hold on till the straight jacket hug suddenly Houdini's' disappearing over time. Maybe it's all the pills I take , that draws them to me , reminding them of their stint at Bellvue. I'm no angel though , I like the raw essence of porn , though I'm a christian which I think is the mathematical equivalent of human. The look on a woman's face when she orgasm is shear Ecstasy , on film and reality.
I've been accused of alot of things , but the one thing that sticks out is boring. I don't think I'm the greatest guy Ever , but I know I'm not boring. Ben Stein has a dry voice , but his sense of humor is wet for days. It ended on the Cornerstone words " It's not you ...... It's me" which to anyone male or female is like , "So , when did you by this huge knife ? I thought we told each other everything." That was the last time Myself and Cereal Flirt ever had a hard conversation face to face as opposed to the flaccidness the one word text had become. You know it's all over when you say "I LOVE YOU" in a text message and you get "LOL" . I'm not saying that happened but I'm sure to the person it happens to they thing it mean "Love Our Love" when really it mean you were a Nice Guy which gave her her "Love Only Ladies" the vast fascination that you indeed turned her gay. Not a bad thing trust me . Hey maybe you're relationship was so good and she wants to experiment and come back to you or maybe you just couldn't cut it on random occasion and you see her reach for her Vibrator named Deja so she can have the same strange orgasms at 3:29.
Yet I digress. I've grown Happily Bitter when it comes to Relationships of Life. Doesn't mean I'm not looking nor does it mean that I despise those who have that in which I'm looking for , just bitter is all I'm saying. Or maybe it's Cynicism that's My Love Supreme . Till the times of Love shine on me again , My love is writing . It's peaceful in it's existence.

Couldn't Stand To See Her Go
Looking Back It Was For The Best
We really would've worked things out
This I can attest
God has something better though
This we can agree
Someone who melts the candy cane
Healthier to me
Longing never to be cynical
Someone to stump my doubts
The one in her heart
She can't live without
Puts me on her top eight
Leave me messages in my Email
Loves me when I win
Holds Me When I fail

This last one had all the pieces
Yet we still came up short
Only enough love from my side
To hold up the two person fort
Will this dream remain a dream?
Is not for me to speak
I'll just pray to God
I'll face the odds
She'll Love Me In My Sleep


Good Nite and Man I wish I had a Beer.
Robert Burford Jr
(c)2008

The Lostlast Sarah Poem.

Super Star On Dim Terrain by Robert Burford Jr.

Trudging across rough terrain and high roads
I see my prized possession , though I'm not possessive.
Mine and mine only , I'm not stricken of jealousy once she's around others.
She wonders around the trees , around the grassy knolls , frees the animals , loves the fruits.
Looking at her , it's like infinite gifts bestowed upon my eyes
Giving me ample time to realize , if she were to leave my sights
My eyes would be sore and worn.
In her embrace I feel the warmth of her horizons
Every motion launching her into another level
Separating from her inner existence
To a new plain that views other worlds of seldom pleasure
She brings warmth to those in cold times
She brings warmth to me , never wanting to leave her inner fire place
She's something special
Someone who allows me to unfabricate myself
My Pseudo Sanctuary
Though the star that shined bright for me just last week
Dim and Faded To Black
Something in my mind prays
For the Backup Gen
Hopefully the light from star she used to shine
Will bring forth a glow
Letting me feel loved and forever entertaining .
Never losing luster in this love we shared.
A love that missed one piece
To the cornerstone puzzles God bestows.

Mr Bob and the 300 Workout

Corporate: Mr Bob We Have A Proprosition for you.

Mr Bob : Yeeeeessss.

Corporate : In accordance with your no masturbation for 30 days and nites , you must by the summer have a 300 ab look .

Mr. Bob : Ok that's a little farfetched , um no so such things as three hundred abs.

Coporate: Uh

Mr. Bob : No I get it I get it , um I may have to shave my pubes so you can thee uh , hundred and fiftieth ab I guess . It's gonnna feel weird no lie but uh yeah you know I'll get three hundred abs.

Coporate : Yeah ok no . um we were thinking about you having abs from the guys from 300 the movie.

Mr. Bob : That's stupid . Why would I want abs from 300 different movies , I mean I don't Jack Blacks you know ? Ah trying to keep it off you know?

Coporate : Yeeeaah , for a bright person your lights dim huh ? No moron , Gerard Butler , his stomach.

Mr. Bob : Oh , ooohhh you the 300 workout. Wait what? You want to kill myself when I get to the three hundredth pushup. Dude I can do like maybe seventy , and you want me , let me say that again ME to do the three hundred workout. One word, gay , three words , I'll do it.


Will Mr Bob go through with it!? Stay Tuned.

Spartan!?

Mrboblovesatire. A Break Up Press Conference

Bob : I'm here to announce that I , Robert L Burford Jr , am indeed ... a single man again

(gasp from the crowd)

Bob: Oh I know it comes as a shock to me too. I tell you what happened . I um was doing an open heart surgery on my friend Eric , don't worry we do it all the time seeing as the buzzing operation gets annoying. Um , I ah performed it perfectly and my now ex looked at me and said and I quote " You don't excite me anymore"

(Wha? The Crowd Looks Confused)

Bob : Riiite Riiite , I know. One time I saved an entire building of dogs and was named the town hero and she yawned and said " Oh , well you didn't do it in slow motion" and I was like " What?" and she was like " I watch movies and that was pathetic" She loved cats so that's why I left those to burn , no I 'm jokin. Oh and another time I gave her flowers and she shot me . I mean literally shot me , with a magnum , it was ROUGH. I um woke up out of a coma and she came to visit me and said it was boring that I didn't die. I was like " You Douchebag" It was weird. I'll take questions now


Ric Boonekins from Art's and Crafts for the Elderly New : Yes , um how did she break up with you exactly ?

Bob : Good question guy from the magazine I made up as an Ironic reference. Um , I was running and I was shot five times in the back and stabbed once. What had happened was she shot me with the hardened stems from the flowers she's gotten from Valentines Day. The last thing I saw was the image of dead roses and oddly enough a note that said " You're off my Top Eight Biotch" but hey it's just my space rite?

Ashley Martinez of The Bandita : Mr. Bob if you will , elaborate as to how boring you are.

Bob : Sure , I remember one time I worked for the circus and almost died several times. I played the part of Horton's egg in a production of Hamlet ,or was it a skull ? Anyway , I was sued due to the fact my boredom was that vicious. I've killed old ladies by helping them cross the street , well I mean that wasn't so much boredom as much as it was me leaving them there in the middle

Preston Highspeed of the Inco Herrin: Was the sex boring?

Bob : Well that's hard to say , but I'll tell you this : She did finish crime and punishment . It's kind of disheartening when you hear " Oh that's it , TO BE Or NOT TO BE!" I became so afraid that I couldn't last long that it affected me and she switched from long plays to Dr. Suess books.

Samuel Burford of the MyBrotha Herald : If you had to pick a song that reminded you of the heartbreak you had , what would it be?

Bob : I'm going to say , whats the name of the Elvis Presley hit ? Oh Hound Dog.

Sparrow of the Copycat Times : Alot people have said that it's not that you're boring but it's sort of weird that they arrest you for reading to old people which in turn kills them.

Bob : Not true. I um read to kids. The call me Ritalin in the schools . I read them the first chapter of Fight Club and instant sleep. I met a substitute teacher , but she said it would never work out because I wasn't thirteen. Last Question.

McKenzie of the Whiskey's a Day Blog : (Coughs)

Bob: That's a great question . No I don't know what the future holds. Will I continue to bore those whom I've come to know. Just the other day I was afraid to make my voicemail . It would be gay to have a girl you like call you and then you find out she's dead due to lack of "Please listen to the music while your party is reached" you know? I don't think I'm boring , if anything I'm bald and I say atleast simple people have something to look at rite? Now if you excuse me Bigboobpass has updates and I'm single again. Thank you and Good Nite.

This Has Been A BORING Bowel Movement Exclusive.

(C) zzzzzZZZ I mean 2008

Mr Bob and Red Bear Burfkins Part One

Urdone4Magazine Presents Mr. Bob and Red Bear Burfkins

So I got this bear for ValentinesDay from a girl whom rather I'd be on mute , that's neither here nor your business. I was sitting in my chair about to watch All About Eve , a french porn of the same movie though the title in french is "Puut It In Le Poopur?" With my mind focused on the computer screen , I hear a

" So you want to know the truth about stuffed animals ya schmuck?"

"Who said that ?" I say pulling up my um email account

"Me ya douche" said the red bear given to me on VD day by Vdubious

Not questioning as to why I was a bear was talking to me I asked him

" Why do I want to know about the truth of stuffed animals?"

"Why wouldn't you? I mean you obviously are alone so , what the hell else do you have to do?"

He was rite , being a professional at the art of love though mostly the turn out to be merely unstructured Picasso's ,and by that I mean beautiful in it's unorthodox. Wait What? No , I mean I'd just gotten dump by someone who thinks Dirty Dancing is a Classic ... yeah.

"You're rite. Say Bear whats your name?"

He looks at me and says " I'm Red Bear Burfkins , but I'm Red for short"

"OK Red , lets start off by asking , what did you do before you became my gift"

Red : Well I was a Private Investigator for Sesame Street. Remember the Cookie Monster Suicide?

Bob : Yeah , what about it?

Red : I did the background work for it and there's more to Sesame Street than meet the Eye is spelled with an e if you know what I mean?

Bob : Like what?

Red: There's so many things , like Elmo was originally Emo . He was as blue as Grover but cut him self so much , well he turned red. It's not because he was made that way , he's just stained with the blood of unsuccessful suicide attempts.

Bob : Um wow . what about Ernie and Burt?

Red : Oh the Ginosky Brothers? For the record not gay . If you say they are I'll ring your neck. Not you Bob but to the weirdos who give them a bad name. I just went to Ernies sons Bar Mitzpha .

Bob : So much stuff um , What about Big Bird?

Red : Oh no he's a big queer. They don't call him a Swallow for nothin , if you know what I mean (laughs) But yeah , him and his "partner" with the big what have you are always , well lets just say they always rock the nest . It does disgust me hearing " OH Bird , Give It To Me Bird " you know?

Bob : What about Cabbage Patch Kids? Do they have some unexplained story?

Red: Wha ? You serious , they are an unexplained story. They're called Cabbage Patch kids because the owner was teased by a gang of mentally handicapped .

Bob : No way , come on

Red : Serious. He said and I quote , I'll get those Big Headed Cabbage Patch Kids If It's the last thing I do. I mean it would be kind of hard to have a doll called Vegetable and market it you know?

Bob: I suppose . Thats kind of un P C huh?

Red : I didn't say it. We're not all cuddly you know? Just the other day I had a talk with a very disturbed tickle me Elmo who said that it was awful to see the look on the kids face when he found out that Elmo was the other man in his mothers life. I don't think it appropriate to hear HAHA that tickles and hear a mom reply You Don't Know The Half Of It. It's disturbing. Makes me sick. I'm tired can we finish this some other time?

Bob : Sure , Good Nite Red Bear Burfkins

Red: Why you named me that I'll never know but you kept me so I'll deal. Good Nite Mr. Bob

Part Two Coming Soon Including The Truth About Beanie Babies and How Stuffed Monkeys Are Evil!

(c) 2008

Didn't We Almost Have All , My Friends. The Dance Of The Seven Sarah Storied Part II

Listening to Exile From Guyville ( A Sign Of Things To Come?) I'm drawn to the drum beat of it's first song "6'1" , which is a great song and a great yet depression state album. Writing about Ms. Van (my ex) has helped me out , as seeing I'm not depressed anymore but I do miss her. It's sorta weird when the walls that had ears are abruptly deaf , never to hear the sounds of late nite laughter and the ecstasy chatter. Waking up before her I'd think "Jesus must have fired an angel who'd only loved me from above" ( can you tell I like to write poetry?) The glorious threes weeks is what I'd call this Comedy of Errors.
She like Monty Python for cryin out loud!!! I say that cause it's hard to find a women who is fine, funny and a blast to be with whom also likes the art that is Python. We'd had so much in common it was ridiculous. (Side Note: Seeing as I just got over this , It's hard to write this Comedy of Errors in that , she was that meaningful to me) The nonsensical conversations of two young ones in love. I dreamt the day I'd find someone who'd keep me in there thought that weren't family , it was all true or the sticker hadn't peeled off of reality's' peephole if you will.
I'd gotten mono for some odd and stupid reason ( I should not have taken that dare to kiss that hobo who had a sign that said "I'd be careful if you kiss me as a dare, I do have mono you know" and after I kissed him on the cheek , he turned the sign over and it said " I'm sorry" and he drew a tear from his sockets as we gave him 20 bucks)
I'd gotten Mono on a Great day , a day in which my baby had loved me still and we were happy. As the nite progressed , the worse I got . Body rash , swelling itching brain , stupid morbid dreams, all a part of this nite or the arc of the relationship. She stayed by my side , I was thankful for her , very much so.
Fade to the last three weaks ( spelled on purpose)
I was trying to get better for the sake of myself but to say not her is to lie . Seeing her by my side was still a blessing to me. Something out of one of those sad romantic movies happened to me . Of all the movies I'd like to do some sort of Dirty Dancing "Nobody puts Sarah in a corner" holds her up in the air and have the "Best Time Of Our Lives" ordeal. The feeling the flowed from her seemed faded if not non existent , as if it were sweet fabricated memories of what I wanted to see. As she became distant , I slowly grew into a Great Depression though money I still had.She still loved me is what she told me , but it was as if it was automated response and not something from the heart of her desires. Gradually the writing I had done became the same depressing poems I did when I went after another.
Seeing her at work was great but a chore as I'd thought mind games had came to play. UGH! Mind games I HATE THEM. Thinking I was getting the silent treatment , I was so confused and talking to great friends helped but it should have been with her whom I wanted to share my life with. Come to find out she felt the same , not of the mind games , but the fact she should be telling me things in her life and not leaving me in dim darkness .
The Long Talk , was something of private importance , so out of respect for her , I will not include it. Wait for the deleted scenes.
After it happened , the quiet goodbye , I was LIVID ! This was supposed to happen , I prayed I would find someone like her , and even when God gives me a shot , I miss the swing at the last second. I got through it though . Still listening to Liz Phair , she reminds me of the song Fuck and Run , the part that goes "I can feel it in my bones , I'm gonna spend my whole life alone"
I'm not bitter towards her and I'm not the anti hero or the good guy of this story . I'm somniferous but I just wasn't the excitement she was looking for. It lasted past Valentines Day Least I wasn't a VD loser.
Till I find someone who can make me laugh , be beautiful , and Love me for me at the same time, Sarah will be an Image burned into my brain , and with the right ointments , it feels good.
Here's to you and may you find the happiness that the world says is real.
-Robert L. Burford Jr.

The Grand Illusion

The Grand Illusion
By Robert Burford Jr.

Feeling Warmth In This Cold World
She Came To Me Out Of The Blue
Amidst Negative Temps and Iced Grounds
The Space Between Us Was No Where To Be Found
Two Aliens In A Lost World Seemingly Finding Each Other
Looking Onward With The Universe Showing Us It's Ever Glowing Ornaments
It felt like life was passing us by
Growing more comfortable in a new strange land
We heard each other in a stereo surround
Till one day the Alien was Mono Ridden
Hearing her in one decibel below
She Grew Distant
Tiresome of the road to the World less inhabited
Bored of tiresome human I Love Yous
She left wanting more , wanting the ornament
Glowing vastly near the Black hole
I , Felt Human for the first time
Left by an Alien whom decided
The Universe is best traveled With In and Without You
Once Again I, The Alien , Must Travel The World Alone
Looking For Her
The one whom shall speak my language
Inhabiting the world I made
Vacancy One.

Depression State Capital Lonilness / The Conversation Topic Of You And Me

Depression State Capital Lonilness / The Conversation Topic Of You And Me
By Robert Burford Jr.


Everytime I Think Of You
I Fight To Hold The Tears
I'm not heavyweight in these type of situations
I've just been trying to relax all these years
You were my sanctuary
Where my soul felt free
My Soul collapsed once it closed Oh God Knows
How much that emphasis it put on my fears

Listened to your voicemail
So as if you'd still cared about me
You were the only one I cherished
Didn't know you would doubt me
You said " All Relationships Get Through The Rough Time , If You Work It Out"
Though three weeks after you said it , you forgot it
You Gave Up
Whats That All About?

Growing Up Is A Rough Patch
I'm The Sandpaper To Get Through
I'd Sand Out The Edge and Make Them Smooth Again
To Be Next To You
I'm not a man of many words
Of all words "I Love You" I can't do without
Left Me Lost In This Depression State Capital Lonliness
What's That All About?

Won't You Be Terrified?
Once Your Love Has Fade To Black
And You Realize
I'm just the joker , to help you relax
I'm not a man whom thinks about the past
Be you were so recent how could this be?
I'm so sick and tired of the Madness
It Seems As If it only happens to me.

Now I'm Left in the

Depression State
Depression State
The Feeling That We Had was great
A Slip Of The Tounge
Caused Our Love To Fall
Thinking Bout The Good Times We Shared
Now It's As If You Didn't Care
Maybe You Never Loved Me At All

Depression State
Depression State
The Actions Now Determine Fate
In the Faith We Had
Going into This Love
Always To See Your Face Again
Good Fabricated Memories Lingerin
Will Keep this Sinking Ship Afloat

This is the Part
Where The Bridge Comes In
A Bridge To The Best Road Traveled
We Procrastinated The Foundation
This Bridge Has No Gravel
No Ways To Go On
No Ways To Get To You
No Ways To Feel Again
No Ways To See You
Your Were The Five Senses
I Needed In Life
My Portable Salvation
When I'm In Strife
It Angers Me So
To See This End
Before it draws to it's conclusion
Let Me Start Again

Depression State
Depression State
The Feelings Of Old Times Are Great
The way your Paris perfume smelled , setting my memories free
It's Embedded In The Pillow Next To Me
Shear Unadulterated Ecstasy
Disappointment in that we we'll never be
The Conversation Topic Of You And Me.

(c)2008

Several Short Stories 4 Sarah

The First Of Seven Short Stories 4 Sarah
By Robert Burford Jr.

Well it might not be several short stories as it might be seven rough paragraphs. You see it's been a rough patch for Sarah , and I like to write. I know what you're saying , "what does those two have to do with each other?" rite? Well I love both very much , with her inevitably taking the cake. You see the first story if I make it that far is about her. It may be funny as I like to do , but it's mainly my song to her in the form of my other love.

The Angel

I had just came back from an illustrious month long leave. I'm in the military and after a while you need a lil R and R . I had a new lease on life. More Confidence , more focus which in hindsight thanks to God has become more of a reality. I told my self whilst listening to my Zune ( which is so awesome by the way) that the first song I'd put on random would be the mainstay of this new year. To my surprise it was a love song by Duke Ellington and Sarah Vaughn. The song slips me but it was a exciting wishful thought.
Leaving home with new hope was great for me. Driving home on Sunday looking forward to something new in an old place. Monday rolls around and I say hi to my friends as the bell next to me (stupid ass fire alarm) went off , as alas no fire. My great friend Preston rolls with me to Wal Mart to get some things , seeing as we made a plan to "Arbor Mist It" which in turn is the drinking of Arbor Mist and not feeling the least bit homo. My plan was to stay home and gather my thoughts but Preston invited me to go to Space Aliens and I know it was God himself that said " What do you have to lose?" and he was rite so I said yes , as it would be a good chance to catch up with friends.
Whilst at Space Aliens we order and I have a Tall Killians as My Great Friend Chase amongst others go to the bar. Preston and I BS for awhile and he tells me Sarah and Sydnei are coming. I'd only met them once so I was like "cool". As I waited for my cheesesticks , this beautiful woman came in with her friend. I was only fixated on how good she looked. Her hair down , her eyes mysterious , the smell of perfume , the shirt of brown white and pink, the way her blue jeans told her backstory (it's a good backstory indeed!) and her cute dark brown timberland shoes. I was in awe but didn't want to spoil it . We proceeded to do the whole introducing thing and it was as if it was just me and her from then on. We were so enthralled by each other. I'd never wanted to know about some body as much as I wanted to know this person whom I met briefly before , though talking to her it was as if I'd known her for a long time and we were finally blessed to be in each others presence.
From there we went to the pool hall. Romantic eh? Both of us being of a very sarcastic breed , we were all over each other. Me being myself (for a change) and Sarah being Beautiful (always) got so much along . I get excited about this still to this day and I'm not even done. I kissed her on her kissable cheek. She smelled so and looked so good. She's the only Beautiful woman that I've not been scared to try something , she made me (hoping i did the same) feel so comfortable. We were all over each other, I know I enjoyed it and I'm sure she did to.
We rode back separately . I rode with Preston whom I pretty much talked about Sarah too all the way home. "This is going soo good" "She for Pretty Dude" and "Am I Annoying You?" were all the words that came out of my mouth that ride home. As we entered the dorms , myself and Sarah left Sydnei and Preston in his room while we in depth looked for controllers ( which in turn was a series of first kisses and make out sessions which was steaming hot!!) ... um after like fifteen to twenty minutes of um looking for controllers we went back and had a good time ( Like how we totally killed at Guitar Hero , Ah Yessir!). I believe it was at that time we knew we'd be together. We didn't have the strong feelings we'd have a couple of weeks later but the feeling we had we're great previews of things to come.
She made my first nite in Dakota in 2008 the best nite I ever had in this desolate place. She's what keeps me sane and is super quick ,super funny and very smart . oh did I mention f**ING Gorgeous which is not a word I throw around like douchebag with is a nice name too :0) . I Love This Woman With Whatever God Gave Me Inside. She downplays herself (a lot) but if she could only see what I see , she's so much more , I'm talking beyong. Though the rough patch requires softening , I yearn for the future good times to come.
I Love You Sarah / Be Safe
Robert "Mocha Bear P.A.B" Burford Jr

Dealing With Her Aunt Flo.

Dealing with her Aunt Flo. The Harsh Realities Of One To Two Weeks.
By Robert " Assassination Tangoe" Burford Jr

So we're chillin in the bed rite? Everything is going great. I love her , she loves me we're doing the good stuff that comes with it. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! I hear as I'm trying to talk to me girlfriend , I ignore it as it should be a drunk passer by . KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!
"Ah Damnit!" I say so that whomevers at the door can hear me.
"Open up already , it's your Aunt Flo , I'm lookin for Anne " she say's in a rather nagging jewish type voice.
"Ooook . Baby it's your Aunt Flo"
"Ugh , I always get irritated when she comes. I just verbally assassinate ( hey there's that word again ladies and gentlemen) people , for no apparent reason. It's awkward and I don't want you to go through it." She say's in a caring manner
"Nah , I'm good " I say in a Very Naive OH SHIT what happened I was about to find out sort of way
I open the door and there's a sudden change in the atmosphere , as if I was about to feel a wrath of sorts. As her Aunt Flo comes in , she starts changing. Her smile is gone and some how she has a gun in her hand , as if it materialized . Now not having dealt with her Auntie Flo Before , I figured " Hey she must be a violent woman"
I was wrong. She was very Violent and played mind tricks on Sar- I mean Annes subconcious.
It was a grueling first week. Her Aunt Flo kept letting her dogs Tam and Pon out of there cages often absorbing what was around them. This pissed Anne off. Now like I said her Aunt can spin it. So Anne uses the gun which is like a gun of no other. It is more or less a verbal gun aimed at my head. My brain suffered atleast Several Insults To The Head , Minor Speech Damage to the Groin Area and Sixteen counts of Pistol Whipping Indecent Silence. I Love her so I aimed to stay strong , but My God Madge!
After a brief two hour psychiatric stint to see if I could function , I decided to go back and try to get Aunt Flo to leave if only for two hours. Talk about R O U G H. My Best Friends Sam Eric and Nick all recommended me to the great Dr. Mi-Doll , a man whom you pay to take Aunt Flo on a date or any Aunt who visits all the Bleeding time. Like Moses Parting the red seas it works, THANK GOD it worked. Anne was like "What happened? Have I been in a daze? Where did that black eye come from? Why are you crying ?"
"Tears...of...joy...." I say to her weeping uncontrollably
After four hours HER AUNT FLO CAME BACK! One more week of this lady and she's gone. It's rough , More Silence , More Put Downs and More Mind Control on Anne. Throwing up the white flag , I just write , study and play video game/music. Do my own thang.
To make a long story short , Aunt Flo comes back every so often and one day I'll actually have it mapped out when she does. Hey , then I'll know when to where a helmet and read self esteem books...wait what?
Good Nite and Fuck You Aunt Flo , You Lousy Comes Every Two Weeks and Attacks The Women Of This Word , Makes Men Go AHHHHH! Period.
Oh This Has Been The Bowel Movement Reporting

Phil O Pean Tube.

So Long Farewell To Thee
HA thought it was going to be depressing!
It's crazy you know? What you ask ? The affects of Benadryl. I got high off of Benadryl. What does that say about my life? I'm a pill popping light weight. I had three days of Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas induced hallucinations. All I need was a Dr. Gonzo advising me to Lift something heavy seeing as I have the lovely state of mono. Ruptured Spleenage!
It all started Thursday . Splotches everywhere , cramps , and the feeling of death . It's great! Sarah , My Beautiful and Very Sarcastic Girlfriend , was over taking care of me and by that I mean sleeping peacefully , didn't even see the shear sweat patruding from my scalp. I don't blame her though , I don't sweat actual sweat , I sweat gatorade which I finally figured out was actually blood! Yay huh? Around Ten at nite is when the hallutionations started. It started with a dream in which I was getting the help of all that lived around me to profess something to Sarah and it was going to be Huge I say Huge! No it wasn't that , that's just a stereotypical myth . By the way , it's it weird to be stereotypical if you have mono , Is it like possible?
So as I woke up from my first dream of nitemares , I expected a fanfare of all this hard work I did in this dream world and uh nothing. Just a sweaty pillow and a unfullfillment. All this before the The Benadryl Episodes! So why all these delusionistic forays? I'm getting there. As I tell a very tired Sarah of my fabricated exploits , she calmly tells me " Ok Robert" and quickly goes back to sleep. I love her.
Dream Two :
In this dream we're in a sorta 1930's esque mid town Manhattan sort of deal , and I'm among the white folks so it must of not been Manhattan but Canada as I hadn't been called the N word and I didn't hear the words " Come Work On My Farm In Mississippi Boi" which to some folks is not racist at all. Anyway , I try to talk to these folks and they cannot talk to me . "What the hell!" I say in a non Canadian Manner. So making a long story short , these people can only communicate in Puns and Jokes. Alot of coversations being as such
"Do you know why the black guy can't escape the dream he's he's in?"
"Probably cause he's sick and can't fend for himself Eh"
Which led me to believe that
A: Comedy didn't start in Canada
and B: Canadians Are Just A Confused as a 23 year old black man.
Waking up again , this time on the floor (it was more comfortable) I say "To hell with this" which I'm sure came out " Ugh The Pain" I go to take a shower.
The Itching is even more so , the pain is that of a trainwreck with 20 thousand women and seven confused men with cramps . I have to see a doctor. I'm confused , I have a fever and I'm tripping balls everywhere.

The Next Day :
Sarah and I go to the "doctor"
Why do I say the "Doctor" ? Cause I can and it's not really a hospital but a PRP clinic. I'd tell you what that meant but it's too much B.S. to put in one story , ya dig? Anyway after 30 minutes I'm seen and the "Doctor" tells me what I already know, I do indeed have a fever and a bad rash . I think his last name is Dr. Statetheobvious or Dr. Duh. Anyway , one Urine Sample and Blood Sample later ( They Refused My Stool Sample , saying it wasn't needed) the Doctor tried to find my vein to take some blood to which to Sarah and mines amusement he couldn't. .
"You should go to the ER"
Yay? Sarah takes me to the ER seeing as I'm so out of it I don't know what's going on anyway. Supposedly I tested negative for Mono at the "Clinic" so lets see what the real doctors have to say.
I'm there for not 30 minutes and I get told that I'm Positive for Mono " Uh huh figured as much" and that I was dehydrated Oh I forgot to to tell you I had a temp of 102 which explains my Weird O dreams. Laying there , I get calls from my parents and Sarah. I'm itching bad. It's horrible. I felt like ripping my skin off and throwing it away like in that Robbie Williams video.
I get discharged around 10:30 or 22:30 if you're Military or SuperDuperPartytime if you're Gaaaay.
This is the worst Friday I've ever had , a friday that would have a even worse Saturday and Sunday.
-Mr Bob