So Long Farewell To Thee
HA thought it was going to be depressing!
It's crazy you know? What you ask ? The affects of Benadryl. I got high off of Benadryl. What does that say about my life? I'm a pill popping light weight. I had three days of Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas induced hallucinations. All I need was a Dr. Gonzo advising me to Lift something heavy seeing as I have the lovely state of mono. Ruptured Spleenage!
It all started Thursday . Splotches everywhere , cramps , and the feeling of death . It's great! Sarah , My Beautiful and Very Sarcastic Girlfriend , was over taking care of me and by that I mean sleeping peacefully , didn't even see the shear sweat patruding from my scalp. I don't blame her though , I don't sweat actual sweat , I sweat gatorade which I finally figured out was actually blood! Yay huh? Around Ten at nite is when the hallutionations started. It started with a dream in which I was getting the help of all that lived around me to profess something to Sarah and it was going to be Huge I say Huge! No it wasn't that , that's just a stereotypical myth . By the way , it's it weird to be stereotypical if you have mono , Is it like possible?
So as I woke up from my first dream of nitemares , I expected a fanfare of all this hard work I did in this dream world and uh nothing. Just a sweaty pillow and a unfullfillment. All this before the The Benadryl Episodes! So why all these delusionistic forays? I'm getting there. As I tell a very tired Sarah of my fabricated exploits , she calmly tells me " Ok Robert" and quickly goes back to sleep. I love her.
Dream Two :
In this dream we're in a sorta 1930's esque mid town Manhattan sort of deal , and I'm among the white folks so it must of not been Manhattan but Canada as I hadn't been called the N word and I didn't hear the words " Come Work On My Farm In Mississippi Boi" which to some folks is not racist at all. Anyway , I try to talk to these folks and they cannot talk to me . "What the hell!" I say in a non Canadian Manner. So making a long story short , these people can only communicate in Puns and Jokes. Alot of coversations being as such
"Do you know why the black guy can't escape the dream he's he's in?"
"Probably cause he's sick and can't fend for himself Eh"
Which led me to believe that
A: Comedy didn't start in Canada
and B: Canadians Are Just A Confused as a 23 year old black man.
Waking up again , this time on the floor (it was more comfortable) I say "To hell with this" which I'm sure came out " Ugh The Pain" I go to take a shower.
The Itching is even more so , the pain is that of a trainwreck with 20 thousand women and seven confused men with cramps . I have to see a doctor. I'm confused , I have a fever and I'm tripping balls everywhere.
The Next Day :
Sarah and I go to the "doctor"
Why do I say the "Doctor" ? Cause I can and it's not really a hospital but a PRP clinic. I'd tell you what that meant but it's too much B.S. to put in one story , ya dig? Anyway after 30 minutes I'm seen and the "Doctor" tells me what I already know, I do indeed have a fever and a bad rash . I think his last name is Dr. Statetheobvious or Dr. Duh. Anyway , one Urine Sample and Blood Sample later ( They Refused My Stool Sample , saying it wasn't needed) the Doctor tried to find my vein to take some blood to which to Sarah and mines amusement he couldn't. .
"You should go to the ER"
Yay? Sarah takes me to the ER seeing as I'm so out of it I don't know what's going on anyway. Supposedly I tested negative for Mono at the "Clinic" so lets see what the real doctors have to say.
I'm there for not 30 minutes and I get told that I'm Positive for Mono " Uh huh figured as much" and that I was dehydrated Oh I forgot to to tell you I had a temp of 102 which explains my Weird O dreams. Laying there , I get calls from my parents and Sarah. I'm itching bad. It's horrible. I felt like ripping my skin off and throwing it away like in that Robbie Williams video.
I get discharged around 10:30 or 22:30 if you're Military or SuperDuperPartytime if you're Gaaaay.
This is the worst Friday I've ever had , a friday that would have a even worse Saturday and Sunday.
-Mr Bob
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Go And Get Yo Money Lil Duffle Bag Boy.
A Mister Bob P-Article in parts
The Elements of The New Year
Duffle Bag Boy was the first Rap Song I heard this New Year. The first song on my Zune was a love song , go fig. It was a song called " I See Love In Your Bald Head (Shine Shine)" , though of course I'm jokin as that was a remake of the song " Hate Is In The Head Of A Shiny Nazi". I had a great time this past last month. I got to stay a month with My Favorite People in the world , which my family for those who don't know what 2+2 is. It was a blast. Tommorrow I start packing to leave which leaves a hint of sadness with a large amount of fullfillment. I Thank God that I was Blessed to have so long. I'm in a War Ready Military and I'm living to see another day. I hope this New Year brings Happiness and Joy to those whom have not felt it yet. Love to those who want it and a one night stand for those looking for Mr or Mrs Rite Now. Happy New Year , with emphasis on Happy.
The Shear Nuances Of Beansy
It's been in the news as of late that Beansy the Bandita has come out of hiding. She'd been masquerading as the sane part of Britney Spears brain , which explains the blatant insanity Britney has shown.
To Be Continued
The Elements of The New Year
Duffle Bag Boy was the first Rap Song I heard this New Year. The first song on my Zune was a love song , go fig. It was a song called " I See Love In Your Bald Head (Shine Shine)" , though of course I'm jokin as that was a remake of the song " Hate Is In The Head Of A Shiny Nazi". I had a great time this past last month. I got to stay a month with My Favorite People in the world , which my family for those who don't know what 2+2 is. It was a blast. Tommorrow I start packing to leave which leaves a hint of sadness with a large amount of fullfillment. I Thank God that I was Blessed to have so long. I'm in a War Ready Military and I'm living to see another day. I hope this New Year brings Happiness and Joy to those whom have not felt it yet. Love to those who want it and a one night stand for those looking for Mr or Mrs Rite Now. Happy New Year , with emphasis on Happy.
The Shear Nuances Of Beansy
It's been in the news as of late that Beansy the Bandita has come out of hiding. She'd been masquerading as the sane part of Britney Spears brain , which explains the blatant insanity Britney has shown.
To Be Continued
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Porn. An Elaborate Study and The EXTENSIVE Research That Followed.
Porn. An Elaborate Study and The EXTENSIVE Research That Followed.By Robert "Pennyflamefan1984" Burford Jr.Ah Porn, a magnificent site, well a lot of sites. Is it good? Not really depending on which Religion you are but hey it's better that getting aids rite? I mean you can't really get any STD's from masturbation. The only thing gruesome that comes from it (no pun intended) is maybe a hangnail scar, soap seepage or the mess you left after your room mate told you to go out and by a wireless everything so you can come and go as you please (pun intended).I remember the first time I saw a women's breast on TV. It was in 1991 and they were on a movie called Body Double and it was SWEEET! (Coincidentally it was the first time I figured out how to do the bait and switch, which is when your parents come in to check on you and you have a channel memorized and you quickly switch to Nick at Nite though you don't watch In the Heat of the Night and you yell " Nothing!" though you weren't doing anything to begin with). You must remember that in 1991, it was a " I hope this movie on HBO is rated R and says due to Strong Sexual Content and Nudity" affair from then on.Then puberty hit in 1995 (though some would have you believe it happened in 2006) and it was a done deal. I found out about this new thing, well for me. My friends showed me a Self Help Sex tape, which I think started my love of older Hispanic/white women. 1995-2002 where landmark years for me in terms of this Porn revelation I would have. 1996 changed everything when our next store neighbor, this hott Latina woman, had no bra on underneath and lets just say the turkeys were over cooked. I was horny then more so than I was now, which I think is why I'm bald, well either that or probably because I prayed for male pattern baldness when I was 15, but that's beside the point.That same year, my friends showed me my first porn tape. It was your typical 80's motif, big hair in the United States and Australia (which for you non thinkers is her head and Nether regions) . One even looked like Fran Dresher (which is probably more that likely why I loved The Nanny Unmuted and MUTED). I wish I could've had my own. I couldn't stop thinking about these Mound Of Flesh bouncing up and down. Porn had satisfied my now non-virgin eyes.It was in High School, I borrowed a tape from a great friend of mine ( whose name rhymes with Flick Dimanecki) and I was How do you say it in French? Ma'stir-Bait tin Till Le Cows Com Home No?! HA! No, but it was cool to see faces I'd remember in other Porn’s.(Side Thought: Isn't it weird that most people look at porn, but have a Moral Issue cause it say’s Devils Films or Ass Worship. They're at a crossroads you know? It's like they're Saying " I know I watch porn with 2 girls and one cup but this is I draw the line". How are you going to draw that line hmmm sir or madam? I digress) Through most of High School it was mainly a soft core porn deal. Cinemax would come on and it would have some good ones, I can't remember any of the names (Night Calls, Night Calls 2 , Busty Nurses, Anna Nicole's Private Show) , but they were good. Then High School Ended, Alas I was still a virgin! After High School it got rough (that's what she said) who said that? Huh, oh yeah I got a job and I was lonely relationship wise. I've always had my family, which I thank God for everyday, but the sex part was as dry as Paris Hiltons Nose after a "Powdered Doughnut Party".Then came Tower Records, this is the part where the people dressed as angels sing "AHHHH"A Plethora of Porn in the back rows, though I did live with my parents and a brother. So I'd hide them, though my parents weren't stupid and my brother I'm sure took them when I wasn't there. So many companies such as: Vivid, VCX, Caballero, Red Light District. I was in Porn Ecstasy. I could not wait to go home and see what I had in Store. It wasn't all-great though. I did spend like 200 dollars on two DVD's which looking back was sooo stupid and I did try to quit to, though I had needs like all humans and had several Glorious relapses.Oh this was in 2005 by the way. So here I was this 245lb guy with a sex urge that would knock a Nympho off her feet (which is how I met my Ex Fiancé go fig). I eventually lost 80 pounds, and didn't really look at it as much as I used to. My Mom tells me, "You Can Do Anything, Just Don't Abuse It" Porn wasn't going anywhere and the way I was spending money, it was as if all the porn stars had Syphilis and died, leaving memories of there scenes in four hour DVD compilations.Porn's not a bad thing. Can that be argued? Yes. Can you control it? Heck yeah. If I couldn't control it then how would I be typing this? Your everyday Porn watcher is not an Addict but someone who likes to see people gettin it on. That goes for Men and Women alike. I'm not stupid, I wouldn't look at it if I were marr- well not as much (joking) but Porn isn't bad, it's just there. I'm Mr. Bob and I Watch Adult Films. I'm not ashamed and you shouldn't be either.Thank You for many wonderful nights Penny Flame , Sunny Lane , and Ava Lauren. Well Here's Hoping The Keyboards Wireless Ladies and Gentlemen,
Mr. Bob(c) 2008
Mr. Bob(c) 2008
Inspired by MAD!
Inspired by MAD!
Cartoon Obituaries
By Robert Burford Jr.
Bugs Bunny
" I Guess I Shouldn't Have Been A Stinka" which is latin for "Man I was an A-hole" were the last words spoken out of Bugs Bunny. Bugs or Mortimer as he was referred to by friends and close relatives (all 2787 of them) , died of what some say was a broken heart and a carrot over dose. All said it looked rather strange when the carrots were looked powered with a white substance, which explains the Raw Energy Bugs Bunny made him self famous with. He leaves seven widows and one sad Elmer Fudd whose rendition of Kill Tha Wabbit at Bugs Bunnys Funeral sent shivers down the spine of those whom were there.
Yogi Bear
Last Words Spoken: "Hey Boo Boo, lets getta dose pickanic ugggh"
Boo Boo Responded " Whats a Picanic Uggh Yogi" before he realized his life partner had had a stroke. Sources believe it to be the Yogi, had been involved with the Russian Mafia. An Incident had happened before that haunted Yogi , in that he managed to Dress Ranger Joe up as Faux Yogi as a practical joke on April Fools , when unfortunately , Ranger Joe was murdered during " The Great Hanna Barbera" Debacle of 79 which led to an increase in Yogi's Picnic Intake. Charlie B. Barkin and Itchi Itchiford of All Dogs Go To Heaven fame, Sang A Beautiful New Rendition of " You Can't Keep A Good Dog Down" as Yogi had previously had a interspecies sex change in order to marry his beloved Boo Boo in the state of California.
He Leaves a Boo Boo and Forty Thousand Malnourished Campers.
Wile E Coyote
Last Words Seen
(Help!)
Wile E Coyote was found murdered in an apparent murder suicide, both of which he did himself due to a defective ACME gun. Set to do what was to be his last attempt at the life of the Road Runner, a test run would prove to be the last " joke" Wile ever did. The Road Runner passed by the Funeral in order to say " Meep Meep" one last time, until he was shot dead by Daffy Duck under the "Leave No Child Behind, But Kill Them Varmints Dead", President Yosemite Sam's act against Road Runners and Those Mangy Immigrants!
Nemo
"Papa Papa Can You See Me, What's This? Helllllp DAAAADDDYYY!"
Nemo was found dead face up in an aquarium, where he was performing his new teenaged act in which he did scenes from "Finding Nemo" and "Finding Nemo 2 : Nemo Please!" With the latter being Nemo and Disney's attempts to be "Urban". Tired of being known for the child actor of those hit movies, he had changed his name to sharkbait and started doing porn. Movies like Sharks Tail, A BEE OTCH Movie and Ratatatathatass , diminished his innocence . He grew an addition to Kelp and directed four Movies story Dory fish named Blow Dyke. He tried to get on the straight and narrow kicking the habit until the Kelp he'd snorted long ago , caused him to have a nose bleed and was eating by a shark whom later coughed him up due to utter cuteness that leaves a bad taste in my mouth , to which someone replied " OH CRAP THAT SHARK CAN TALK! KILL HIM"
The Song " Just Keep Swimming" Was Played At His Funeral.
Nemo leaves a father and one son with Dory the fish whom is still searching for Nemo (Surrogate)
Fred Flintstone
Last Words
"WILLLLMMMMAAAA VALDERAMMMAAAA!"
Which is Wilma's Maiden Name. Fred was grieving after hearing news that George Jetson Died when he couldn't get off the Space Treadmill. He would've known more but Sprint, even in the future, cannot get service. Grieving and Drunk, Fred stumbled home accidentally urinating on Dino. Yelling for Two Hours Straight , Fred's Voice Got Horse and amidst the excitement died of a cold draft seeing as Bedrock was in Minnesota and Fred had not known of the " Please Where Pants After the Stegosaurus Crows or You Will Die" clause. Barney and Ann Margaret sang a somber number " Your Yabba Dabba Doos Are Now Yabba Dabba Don'ts"
Fred Leaves A Wife, A Daughter, A Barney and A Dino.
Sad Yet True Stories, As Told By Your Everyday News Reporter
Robert "Mr. Bob" Burford Jr.
(c)2007
Cartoon Obituaries
By Robert Burford Jr.
Bugs Bunny
" I Guess I Shouldn't Have Been A Stinka" which is latin for "Man I was an A-hole" were the last words spoken out of Bugs Bunny. Bugs or Mortimer as he was referred to by friends and close relatives (all 2787 of them) , died of what some say was a broken heart and a carrot over dose. All said it looked rather strange when the carrots were looked powered with a white substance, which explains the Raw Energy Bugs Bunny made him self famous with. He leaves seven widows and one sad Elmer Fudd whose rendition of Kill Tha Wabbit at Bugs Bunnys Funeral sent shivers down the spine of those whom were there.
Yogi Bear
Last Words Spoken: "Hey Boo Boo, lets getta dose pickanic ugggh"
Boo Boo Responded " Whats a Picanic Uggh Yogi" before he realized his life partner had had a stroke. Sources believe it to be the Yogi, had been involved with the Russian Mafia. An Incident had happened before that haunted Yogi , in that he managed to Dress Ranger Joe up as Faux Yogi as a practical joke on April Fools , when unfortunately , Ranger Joe was murdered during " The Great Hanna Barbera" Debacle of 79 which led to an increase in Yogi's Picnic Intake. Charlie B. Barkin and Itchi Itchiford of All Dogs Go To Heaven fame, Sang A Beautiful New Rendition of " You Can't Keep A Good Dog Down" as Yogi had previously had a interspecies sex change in order to marry his beloved Boo Boo in the state of California.
He Leaves a Boo Boo and Forty Thousand Malnourished Campers.
Wile E Coyote
Last Words Seen
(Help!)
Wile E Coyote was found murdered in an apparent murder suicide, both of which he did himself due to a defective ACME gun. Set to do what was to be his last attempt at the life of the Road Runner, a test run would prove to be the last " joke" Wile ever did. The Road Runner passed by the Funeral in order to say " Meep Meep" one last time, until he was shot dead by Daffy Duck under the "Leave No Child Behind, But Kill Them Varmints Dead", President Yosemite Sam's act against Road Runners and Those Mangy Immigrants!
Nemo
"Papa Papa Can You See Me, What's This? Helllllp DAAAADDDYYY!"
Nemo was found dead face up in an aquarium, where he was performing his new teenaged act in which he did scenes from "Finding Nemo" and "Finding Nemo 2 : Nemo Please!" With the latter being Nemo and Disney's attempts to be "Urban". Tired of being known for the child actor of those hit movies, he had changed his name to sharkbait and started doing porn. Movies like Sharks Tail, A BEE OTCH Movie and Ratatatathatass , diminished his innocence . He grew an addition to Kelp and directed four Movies story Dory fish named Blow Dyke. He tried to get on the straight and narrow kicking the habit until the Kelp he'd snorted long ago , caused him to have a nose bleed and was eating by a shark whom later coughed him up due to utter cuteness that leaves a bad taste in my mouth , to which someone replied " OH CRAP THAT SHARK CAN TALK! KILL HIM"
The Song " Just Keep Swimming" Was Played At His Funeral.
Nemo leaves a father and one son with Dory the fish whom is still searching for Nemo (Surrogate)
Fred Flintstone
Last Words
"WILLLLMMMMAAAA VALDERAMMMAAAA!"
Which is Wilma's Maiden Name. Fred was grieving after hearing news that George Jetson Died when he couldn't get off the Space Treadmill. He would've known more but Sprint, even in the future, cannot get service. Grieving and Drunk, Fred stumbled home accidentally urinating on Dino. Yelling for Two Hours Straight , Fred's Voice Got Horse and amidst the excitement died of a cold draft seeing as Bedrock was in Minnesota and Fred had not known of the " Please Where Pants After the Stegosaurus Crows or You Will Die" clause. Barney and Ann Margaret sang a somber number " Your Yabba Dabba Doos Are Now Yabba Dabba Don'ts"
Fred Leaves A Wife, A Daughter, A Barney and A Dino.
Sad Yet True Stories, As Told By Your Everyday News Reporter
Robert "Mr. Bob" Burford Jr.
(c)2007
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
The Bowel Movement Presents.... The Cookie Monster Murder
Just Because Silence Stands Solid In A Melting Pot Of Madness with a little bit of logic, it doesn't mean I can't share my stories with people who liked them.
The Bowel Movement Toilet Newspaper Front Page
By Robert Burford Jr.
It's as if all the Cookies in the World went Stale when he died- Grover
The Death of The Cookie Monster By Robert Burford Jr. ( Sesame Street , Rhode Island)
It was a grim setting here on Sesame Street where usually the sunny days sweep the clouds away. Stephen S. Cook or known to his friends as "The Cookie Monster" was found dead of a Cookie Overdose due to his sudden case of Diabetes and lacerations to his wrist . Some speculate that Cookie Monster was not happy with the changes here on Sesame Street , changes such as : Burt and Ernie's sudden split due to both finding out they were heterosexual , Oscars dependency on Zoloft and Cookie Monsters unhappiness with not being able to eat cookies at will but being forced to uphold a" strict healthy image" and eat vegetables. Cookie Monster ,42, was last heard as saying things as " ME DEPRESSED , ME WANT COOKIES , ME SEEK HELP AND DA LORD" to which the little kid next to him replied " Cookie Monster you Crazy !"
Continued on page 10.
Page 4 footnote
Elmo on the Cookie Monster Tragedy :
Elmo Sad , Elmo changed name for cookie monster and called himself Emo. Elmo in to the sad things in life like dying flowers , 30 Seconds to Mars and Ashlee Simpson putting out another album. Elmo not ticklish now that Emo has got the best of him . Sad starts with an S.
Index
Dora the Explorer Deported : Page 20
Winnie The Pooh Gets Gastric Surgery and fills 78,000 Jars : Page 45
COokiemonster Continuation : Page 10 10 Ah Ah Ah
Blue from Blues Clues Put to Sleep :Page 56
The Wiggles Come Out Of The Closet : Page 35
Bear in a Big House , Accidentally Tranquilized : Page 54
Kermit The Frog Has Kid With Miss Piggy Though Babies have the face of Animal. Page 400
Canada Starts With A C : Page 70
Page 10
Continued from page one: Cookie Monster later went home sobbed in his hand and called Grover "Starts with a G" Monster (otherwise known as the underrated Grover) Cookie's Cousin and confidant.The Final Phone Call was recorded thanks to the Patriot Act and went as such:
Cookie: Grover , Me Sad , Me Need Cookies ( sobbing ) Me stop talking and let Grover speak to give me guidance .
Grover: ( in his regular albeit non Muppet voice) Cook , let me tell you man , there's life beyond the Street ( Sesame) and beyond cookies. You have so much talent. You did summer stock , Shakespeare in the park. Remember the 1 man show you did for 2 weeks and 3 critics for 4 nights and afterwards gave you a high 5 for 6 albeit 7 reasons though 8 of the 9 audience members wanted there 10 buck back
( The Count in the background 10 10 bucks Eh Eh Eh)
Grover: Shut it Count. Like I said you have so much to live for .
Cookie: You Right . Me Feel A little bit better . Me tired me sleep. G is for Goodnite Grover
Grover : G is for Goodnite Cookie.
(audible click.)
That was the last thing Cookie said in his life. Sam Grumpalumpakus , Police Chief in Sename Avenue ( thee urban side of Sesame) released this statement in the apparent Murder Suicide of Cookie Monster.
Sam Grumpalumpakus , Chief of Police in Sename Avenue had this to say:
"It appears we have lost not only a friend to the community but a friend to all of America and around the world. The Precinct here in Sename Avenue will do our best to find the reason behind the alleged overdose. Our sources have speculated that Frozzie Bear and Swedish Chef are behind this most henious of crime scenes. The Cookies Cookie Monster bought were from same, and it's apperent that Swedish Chef real name Ric Boonkins was the baker of the cookies that ended in Cookies Demise. Since 1999 Frozzie Bear has had a Grudge against Cookie due to Cookies Impromtu Upstaging of Bears performances at Comic Relief . The cut marks are not of a self affliction but that of someone Else's work. A set up , a sad set up we're looking into.Good nite and G is for God Bless." End Statement.
We tried to talk to Frozzie Bear but this was all he had to say
Robert : Frozzie Bear do you have anything you wish to say against these allegations?
Frozzie Bear :(angrily) WAKA WAKA!
We will keep you updated as this case goes a long.As well as the apparent affair Cookie Monster had with Miss Piggy . She had this to say. "cookies weren't the only thing he ate sloppy"
This has been Robert Burford Reporting The Bowel Movement Toilet Paper
©2007
The Bowel Movement Toilet Newspaper Front Page
By Robert Burford Jr.
It's as if all the Cookies in the World went Stale when he died- Grover
The Death of The Cookie Monster By Robert Burford Jr. ( Sesame Street , Rhode Island)
It was a grim setting here on Sesame Street where usually the sunny days sweep the clouds away. Stephen S. Cook or known to his friends as "The Cookie Monster" was found dead of a Cookie Overdose due to his sudden case of Diabetes and lacerations to his wrist . Some speculate that Cookie Monster was not happy with the changes here on Sesame Street , changes such as : Burt and Ernie's sudden split due to both finding out they were heterosexual , Oscars dependency on Zoloft and Cookie Monsters unhappiness with not being able to eat cookies at will but being forced to uphold a" strict healthy image" and eat vegetables. Cookie Monster ,42, was last heard as saying things as " ME DEPRESSED , ME WANT COOKIES , ME SEEK HELP AND DA LORD" to which the little kid next to him replied " Cookie Monster you Crazy !"
Continued on page 10.
Page 4 footnote
Elmo on the Cookie Monster Tragedy :
Elmo Sad , Elmo changed name for cookie monster and called himself Emo. Elmo in to the sad things in life like dying flowers , 30 Seconds to Mars and Ashlee Simpson putting out another album. Elmo not ticklish now that Emo has got the best of him . Sad starts with an S.
Index
Dora the Explorer Deported : Page 20
Winnie The Pooh Gets Gastric Surgery and fills 78,000 Jars : Page 45
COokiemonster Continuation : Page 10 10 Ah Ah Ah
Blue from Blues Clues Put to Sleep :Page 56
The Wiggles Come Out Of The Closet : Page 35
Bear in a Big House , Accidentally Tranquilized : Page 54
Kermit The Frog Has Kid With Miss Piggy Though Babies have the face of Animal. Page 400
Canada Starts With A C : Page 70
Page 10
Continued from page one: Cookie Monster later went home sobbed in his hand and called Grover "Starts with a G" Monster (otherwise known as the underrated Grover) Cookie's Cousin and confidant.The Final Phone Call was recorded thanks to the Patriot Act and went as such:
Cookie: Grover , Me Sad , Me Need Cookies ( sobbing ) Me stop talking and let Grover speak to give me guidance .
Grover: ( in his regular albeit non Muppet voice) Cook , let me tell you man , there's life beyond the Street ( Sesame) and beyond cookies. You have so much talent. You did summer stock , Shakespeare in the park. Remember the 1 man show you did for 2 weeks and 3 critics for 4 nights and afterwards gave you a high 5 for 6 albeit 7 reasons though 8 of the 9 audience members wanted there 10 buck back
( The Count in the background 10 10 bucks Eh Eh Eh)
Grover: Shut it Count. Like I said you have so much to live for .
Cookie: You Right . Me Feel A little bit better . Me tired me sleep. G is for Goodnite Grover
Grover : G is for Goodnite Cookie.
(audible click.)
That was the last thing Cookie said in his life. Sam Grumpalumpakus , Police Chief in Sename Avenue ( thee urban side of Sesame) released this statement in the apparent Murder Suicide of Cookie Monster.
Sam Grumpalumpakus , Chief of Police in Sename Avenue had this to say:
"It appears we have lost not only a friend to the community but a friend to all of America and around the world. The Precinct here in Sename Avenue will do our best to find the reason behind the alleged overdose. Our sources have speculated that Frozzie Bear and Swedish Chef are behind this most henious of crime scenes. The Cookies Cookie Monster bought were from same, and it's apperent that Swedish Chef real name Ric Boonkins was the baker of the cookies that ended in Cookies Demise. Since 1999 Frozzie Bear has had a Grudge against Cookie due to Cookies Impromtu Upstaging of Bears performances at Comic Relief . The cut marks are not of a self affliction but that of someone Else's work. A set up , a sad set up we're looking into.Good nite and G is for God Bless." End Statement.
We tried to talk to Frozzie Bear but this was all he had to say
Robert : Frozzie Bear do you have anything you wish to say against these allegations?
Frozzie Bear :(angrily) WAKA WAKA!
We will keep you updated as this case goes a long.As well as the apparent affair Cookie Monster had with Miss Piggy . She had this to say. "cookies weren't the only thing he ate sloppy"
This has been Robert Burford Reporting The Bowel Movement Toilet Paper
©2007
Little Church by Robert Burford Jr.
Little Church by Robert Burford Jr.
As I Sit And Listen To Miles Davis's Group Perform Little Church
It makes my mind at ease.
It takes the madness of the world away
I see a little church in the background
Its flooring and porch cover in the day's present and past weddings
A bride and groom have just said the delicate I do's
Proclaiming them husband and wife , they kiss and whisk away in the get away car
Aligned and Signed with affectionate Wish You Wells and Mr. Mrs.
A Mother and Father Sitting on the porch of the Little Church
Little Boy Grown Up
Family is just a door knock away
It seems like yesterday he'd just took a bath
He and his brother ready for school
Its his first day
My how the years gone by
The gentle whistles of the wind flow
Through the ears of the attendees and little children
Love absorbs the hate if for a second
God lets the sun shine
He does a good job like always
The camera man takes the pictures
The Wedding Singer sings "Thats Amore" with essence
The cake splattered on to the noses of the young lovers
As the feed it into their newly married mouths
It's so nice to see the world in its' good splendor
When hate squanders most entities around us
A family is born
A peace filled present of a smooth past promising a undeviating future
Two becomes one once more
A family is born out of the womb of a Little Church.
2007 (c) TBM
As I Sit And Listen To Miles Davis's Group Perform Little Church
It makes my mind at ease.
It takes the madness of the world away
I see a little church in the background
Its flooring and porch cover in the day's present and past weddings
A bride and groom have just said the delicate I do's
Proclaiming them husband and wife , they kiss and whisk away in the get away car
Aligned and Signed with affectionate Wish You Wells and Mr. Mrs.
A Mother and Father Sitting on the porch of the Little Church
Little Boy Grown Up
Family is just a door knock away
It seems like yesterday he'd just took a bath
He and his brother ready for school
Its his first day
My how the years gone by
The gentle whistles of the wind flow
Through the ears of the attendees and little children
Love absorbs the hate if for a second
God lets the sun shine
He does a good job like always
The camera man takes the pictures
The Wedding Singer sings "Thats Amore" with essence
The cake splattered on to the noses of the young lovers
As the feed it into their newly married mouths
It's so nice to see the world in its' good splendor
When hate squanders most entities around us
A family is born
A peace filled present of a smooth past promising a undeviating future
Two becomes one once more
A family is born out of the womb of a Little Church.
2007 (c) TBM
Marlboro Man ( Yes I Write Poetry Too)
Marlboro Man Formerly
Salem Guy by Robert Burford Jr.
As I take the last drag
Of what the " truth" nation calls a "Cancer Stick"
I flick what's left of it amongst the dry tumbleweeds
Hoping not to set it ablaze , starting a unexpected bonfire
Not good
One shot , Wild Turkey , Wild Women , Wild Times
It's like something straight out of A Western this side of John Wayne
The smell of a Rodeo , pretty much shit but the smell nonetheless
This is Pseudo Heaven
Watching The Three Different Versions Of Cowboys
Cowboys , Men Who Claim to be and Men who bought the hat
Wrestle with the beast as country music blast out of loud speakers
Sheila Anderson Just sang the National Anthem
With those looks , she could sing the Alphabet and get me started
Men wrestling , hoping dear God These 8 seconds better last
Or the Rodeo clowns will definitly have my carcuss for the likin
Rodeo Clowns? Huh , The Women.
Oh The Women! God Bless CowGirls.
Tight Jeans cutting off circulation to show off their red necks
It's a sexual nature as cowgirls gush at sight of a true cowboy
The Real Deals , wanting the chance to be the beast in a Nights Rodeo
I Live This Life
The Life Of A Marlboro Man
Take it or Leave it
But Seriously
Cowboy up or Shove it.
TBM (c)2007
Salem Guy by Robert Burford Jr.
As I take the last drag
Of what the " truth" nation calls a "Cancer Stick"
I flick what's left of it amongst the dry tumbleweeds
Hoping not to set it ablaze , starting a unexpected bonfire
Not good
One shot , Wild Turkey , Wild Women , Wild Times
It's like something straight out of A Western this side of John Wayne
The smell of a Rodeo , pretty much shit but the smell nonetheless
This is Pseudo Heaven
Watching The Three Different Versions Of Cowboys
Cowboys , Men Who Claim to be and Men who bought the hat
Wrestle with the beast as country music blast out of loud speakers
Sheila Anderson Just sang the National Anthem
With those looks , she could sing the Alphabet and get me started
Men wrestling , hoping dear God These 8 seconds better last
Or the Rodeo clowns will definitly have my carcuss for the likin
Rodeo Clowns? Huh , The Women.
Oh The Women! God Bless CowGirls.
Tight Jeans cutting off circulation to show off their red necks
It's a sexual nature as cowgirls gush at sight of a true cowboy
The Real Deals , wanting the chance to be the beast in a Nights Rodeo
I Live This Life
The Life Of A Marlboro Man
Take it or Leave it
But Seriously
Cowboy up or Shove it.
TBM (c)2007
Local Shop: Mr Bob's Romantic Surprise Will Not Be Shown seeing as It has not happened yet but I assume it's an old lady in a Oversized cake to which
Local Shop: Mr Bob's Romantic Surprise Will Not Be Shown seeing as It has not happened yet but I assume it's an old lady in a Over sized cake to which I'm not surprised and Looking forward to. Instead I give you a History lesson as to why where words of Affection like Sweetie and the like originated from. By Robert " Still Writing Huh ?" Burford. Part one : The Words Affection and Honey
Lets define Affection shall we? Affection - (From Dictionary.com)
1. fond attachment, devotion, or love
2. Emotion Feeling Sentiment
Sadly Dictionary.com got all but one missing which is
3. The fakeness one shows out when getting something.
Example : She showed him affection at the movies in which he paid and sat next to her boyfriend though in line she swore she was single.
Affection has many meanings or so my Thesaurus says , and believe you me Thesaurus's never lie . Except that one time I was dating one and I caught it on top of a well hung Encyclopedia Britannica when upon climax My Dear Thesaurus shouted , " Oh My God , I'm going to Orgasm/browse/acme apex, apogee, ascendancy, cap sheaf, capstone, climacteric, crest, crowning point, extremity, head, height, high spot, highlight, intensification, limit, maximum, meridian, climax pay-off, peak, pinnacle, pitch, summit, tiptop, top, turning point, utmost, and zenith!"
It was never one for non explanatory sex , but I guess it found it's match seeing as the encyclopedia's form of foreplay was that of ready the Section of The Human Anatomy in a sensual Barry White Tone. That's neither here nor there but I do like to say congrats on their baby Social Studies book and their Oregon Trail computer game bastard son. Affection or Terms of Endearment are always used in today's society , not to me , but do them here them as I'm a volunteer peeping tom for the military's Leave No Married Folk Behind act in which I spy on them , for them to meet their quota of 18 T.O.E.'s .If not met and I may die for saying this, we get paid and go home and watch FOX News with a gun to our heads so it seems we're enjoying it. I digress , lets get to the words shall we?
Honey: We use this term with the likes of Honeypie or Honeypoo or Honey , come ova hereya and give me some of that good lovin. It derives from Barnaby Talking the Bear and Dorian his human wife. Now I know what you're saying , "Mr Bob isn't that Bestiality?" and I say to you " Aren't you too old to be asking Stupid Questions??" Barnaby was a gentle bear whom loved his Latina wife. One time she was riding Barnaby and after he threw the condom away, they went driving in their Ford Hybrid seeing as they were of Lets Save The Earth Status which was weird seeing as this was in the 1800's.
Barnaby said " Hey Dorian , shall we picketh some Honey from doth tree?" to which she replied " Why are you talking like that?" to which he replied " I have a Shakespearean cold , and every time I sneeze I get all snooty and talk all pretentious , Here come another one, HAH....HAH....CHOO WHERE OUT THY WINDOW BREAKS!!" Not knowing what to do Dorian just said " Blesseth You" To which he was heal seeing as the writer of this story hates Shakespeare as well as can not think of any thing from his seminal play Taming Of The Hamlet.
They frolic in the forest , as they had planned when all of a sudden Barnaby sees a Beehive full of honey .( You must know Ladies and Gentleman Barnaby had just got out of Ye Olde Honey Addictiors Anonymous , a meeting of bears started by one Winnie The Pooh , who was nothing like the cartoon of the same name. The Bee hive made Barnaby go ye olde crazy as Dorian tried to calm him down. After swift and persuasive talking on Dorians Part and some of the Bee Hive Honey falling on her cleavage , Barnaby was glad to go home and like it off to which he Said " I Love You Honey" and thus that term was born. Good Nite Till Part Two!
© TBM 2007 Catch Part Two on The Words Darling and Sweetie!
Lets define Affection shall we? Affection - (From Dictionary.com)
1. fond attachment, devotion, or love
2. Emotion Feeling Sentiment
Sadly Dictionary.com got all but one missing which is
3. The fakeness one shows out when getting something.
Example : She showed him affection at the movies in which he paid and sat next to her boyfriend though in line she swore she was single.
Affection has many meanings or so my Thesaurus says , and believe you me Thesaurus's never lie . Except that one time I was dating one and I caught it on top of a well hung Encyclopedia Britannica when upon climax My Dear Thesaurus shouted , " Oh My God , I'm going to Orgasm/browse/acme apex, apogee, ascendancy, cap sheaf, capstone, climacteric, crest, crowning point, extremity, head, height, high spot, highlight, intensification, limit, maximum, meridian, climax pay-off, peak, pinnacle, pitch, summit, tiptop, top, turning point, utmost, and zenith!"
It was never one for non explanatory sex , but I guess it found it's match seeing as the encyclopedia's form of foreplay was that of ready the Section of The Human Anatomy in a sensual Barry White Tone. That's neither here nor there but I do like to say congrats on their baby Social Studies book and their Oregon Trail computer game bastard son. Affection or Terms of Endearment are always used in today's society , not to me , but do them here them as I'm a volunteer peeping tom for the military's Leave No Married Folk Behind act in which I spy on them , for them to meet their quota of 18 T.O.E.'s .If not met and I may die for saying this, we get paid and go home and watch FOX News with a gun to our heads so it seems we're enjoying it. I digress , lets get to the words shall we?
Honey: We use this term with the likes of Honeypie or Honeypoo or Honey , come ova hereya and give me some of that good lovin. It derives from Barnaby Talking the Bear and Dorian his human wife. Now I know what you're saying , "Mr Bob isn't that Bestiality?" and I say to you " Aren't you too old to be asking Stupid Questions??" Barnaby was a gentle bear whom loved his Latina wife. One time she was riding Barnaby and after he threw the condom away, they went driving in their Ford Hybrid seeing as they were of Lets Save The Earth Status which was weird seeing as this was in the 1800's.
Barnaby said " Hey Dorian , shall we picketh some Honey from doth tree?" to which she replied " Why are you talking like that?" to which he replied " I have a Shakespearean cold , and every time I sneeze I get all snooty and talk all pretentious , Here come another one, HAH....HAH....CHOO WHERE OUT THY WINDOW BREAKS!!" Not knowing what to do Dorian just said " Blesseth You" To which he was heal seeing as the writer of this story hates Shakespeare as well as can not think of any thing from his seminal play Taming Of The Hamlet.
They frolic in the forest , as they had planned when all of a sudden Barnaby sees a Beehive full of honey .( You must know Ladies and Gentleman Barnaby had just got out of Ye Olde Honey Addictiors Anonymous , a meeting of bears started by one Winnie The Pooh , who was nothing like the cartoon of the same name. The Bee hive made Barnaby go ye olde crazy as Dorian tried to calm him down. After swift and persuasive talking on Dorians Part and some of the Bee Hive Honey falling on her cleavage , Barnaby was glad to go home and like it off to which he Said " I Love You Honey" and thus that term was born. Good Nite Till Part Two!
© TBM 2007 Catch Part Two on The Words Darling and Sweetie!
The Elaborate ( And I Use That Word A lot) Words Of The Bowel Movement Present : Balloons
The Elaborate ( And I Use That Word A lot) Words Of The Bowel Movement Present : Balloons Why We Love Them and Why With Pure Hatred The Suffocate the Young. A Report By Senior Reporter not Senior Robert " Roberto" Burford Jr.
I Love Balloons. Balloons are something I've grown up with. The way they look and feel. Receiving them as well as giving them on one's birthday or accidentally giving a big sponge bob one at a funeral. And a personal favorite of mine , making one's out of the condom I was wearing ( yes wearing , it is mine you know) seeing as she said she was coming back , but truthfully no one was coming that nite , but alas I whole heartedly digress .
Now one might say " Oh Robert , you must be one of those Fetish people with the love of the balloon and all , I bet you have sex with em seeing as yer lonely" to which I'd reply "It's a change from ( expletive ) your mom and your sister seeing as sadly they're both paralyzed from the waste down" , but like I said one might say. I'm not a mean guy , but doggonit the balloons is a national treasure.
Balloon History:
Dating back to when Jesus was born ,the balloon was introduced in the form of Frankincense which is Hebrew for "Lookaatatheniceaballoona" . Jesus was delighted and as one of his first miracles made the Frankincense float which is why it is little known to man that it is Helium which if you think about it sounds off ly close to Healing um , which is what Jesus did.
I gathered all my material and went to a nice place , very family oriented call The Red Light District , a large and very friendly place in the Heart of Amsterdam. Amongst the crevasse of RLD"s oldest prostitute aptly named Pinta Maria Santa , I reached in seeing as it was only fifty cents and a dare from the local if some what rather undressed patrons to do so.Alas I say as my arm looks like it was in that of a cow giving birth , Columbus's diary in a Bottle. ( Not that it matter but if you must know other things I found were a Baby though it was forty two and smoking , buried treasure ( the chocolate which was rather stale for my taste) and a 12 month subscription to Us Weekly which sadly I had to turn down seeing as I already had one)
I was able with the help of some of the Bowel Movement team ( Samuel , Derix , Janel ,Piptin, Maria ,Cousin Fulton, Ashley, The Caldwells , Eric , Courtney and Preston ) to transcribe the seminal yet slimy text its more stable translation. Out of Two months and a lot of paperwork here are Two Paragraphs.
The Columbus Cliff Notes ( In British , English and Stereotypical)
1492: We've Sailed the Seven Seas! Alas we have reached the place with the people and the what not. I uh would've uh got here a sooner but uh the ship came down with a mean case of something we have no name for. I believe it is that of the wenches we brought along ( Syphia Phillis , Clemmy Dia and Sexually Transmitted Diseases with Sexually being the most beautiful of them all ) We brought along there shrew of a whore mother Iva Herpes , which we proceeded to throw off the ship seventeen time but she just kept coming back which brought a lot of discharge to the deck. It was John Penicillin who finally got rid of her. Though a shrew , she loved us all and gave us a rather warm sensation.But I uh digressa. It's about seven thirty and we are still unpacken. I see a fire so maybe there's a nice kosher family over there. I take my gun , Sexually Transmitted Diseases and some of my men and ask politely ' Oy Is This Place Taken'? to which they reply No Mang it's crazy , like we live here and what not but you can stay here and like chill out " Being a spainard , and it being the new year I could tell these were my men playing a trick on me seeing as Nostradamus predicted Stereotypicalisms would not be cool til 2007. Ah the native saw us and came to greet us in a very nice fashion.
The Second Paragraph ( About Two Days from the period of the last sentence)
As I lay in my hut the sla I mean natives made for me , I felt a rather odd sensation on my (expletive) . It looked like that of a over stuff custard pie. "Discharge on a Tuesday how odd?" I said to myself looking at my Uncircumcised Sharona. The Chief High Priest or Simply Earl came into my tent."How ?" he said. " How indeed " I said as I looked at it . " You look sick , let chief priestess look at you " he said as he call for her. Discharge on a Tuesday must not be so bad , I get to get fondle by the chief priestess. After fainting from the seven swift blow to my crotch the chief priestess gave me upon seeing my well what used to be my member I am greeted by my lady love Pinta Santa Maria a name I bestowed my Native mistress though I'm not married. She hands me these Frankincense's that say You Get , the other one saying Well , and the other saying Son seeing as the Natives were not that of spelling nature but neither are we. These are my last words I'm writing before I safely tuck it in the crevasse of my lady love seeing as she has seen more action than this Robert Burford Jr , Nostradamus is talking about but hey really the way he's talkin about this guy who hasn't?
The Bowel Movement would like to report that after many Therapy Sessions , Robert Burford Jr or Mr. Bob will go on with this story
Wasn't that neat Ladies and Gentleman, that I pull out a something out of a lady seemingly older that the world and find out not only about balloons in the new world but I was a "Even I'm getting more than" reference sense 1492? I know it was for me. Lets move on
In conclusion , Balloons while being great for get well soons and birthdays and anniversaries , why not come out with the balloon of truth. I'd love to give a Balloon to a newlywed couple that says " I think it's going to work" . Or one to a old couple that say " Make Sure you Enjoy Today , By The Looks Of things It's Close". Or maybe to that special someone that says " That's Expletive , You Gave Me Herpes" . I and I'm closing would like to take this opportunity to salute you Aimra Sagvean for creating the balloon as well as being part of the first all boy band The Th3ee Wise Men" , Have a Good Nite America and Remember , if every time you unzip your pants and you get a standing ovations , you have the Clap.
This has been Robert Burford Jr. reporting for The Bowel Movement
© TBM 2007 Cause Shit Happens and Fecal Matters.
I Love Balloons. Balloons are something I've grown up with. The way they look and feel. Receiving them as well as giving them on one's birthday or accidentally giving a big sponge bob one at a funeral. And a personal favorite of mine , making one's out of the condom I was wearing ( yes wearing , it is mine you know) seeing as she said she was coming back , but truthfully no one was coming that nite , but alas I whole heartedly digress .
Now one might say " Oh Robert , you must be one of those Fetish people with the love of the balloon and all , I bet you have sex with em seeing as yer lonely" to which I'd reply "It's a change from ( expletive ) your mom and your sister seeing as sadly they're both paralyzed from the waste down" , but like I said one might say. I'm not a mean guy , but doggonit the balloons is a national treasure.
Balloon History:
Dating back to when Jesus was born ,the balloon was introduced in the form of Frankincense which is Hebrew for "Lookaatatheniceaballoona" . Jesus was delighted and as one of his first miracles made the Frankincense float which is why it is little known to man that it is Helium which if you think about it sounds off ly close to Healing um , which is what Jesus did.
I gathered all my material and went to a nice place , very family oriented call The Red Light District , a large and very friendly place in the Heart of Amsterdam. Amongst the crevasse of RLD"s oldest prostitute aptly named Pinta Maria Santa , I reached in seeing as it was only fifty cents and a dare from the local if some what rather undressed patrons to do so.Alas I say as my arm looks like it was in that of a cow giving birth , Columbus's diary in a Bottle. ( Not that it matter but if you must know other things I found were a Baby though it was forty two and smoking , buried treasure ( the chocolate which was rather stale for my taste) and a 12 month subscription to Us Weekly which sadly I had to turn down seeing as I already had one)
I was able with the help of some of the Bowel Movement team ( Samuel , Derix , Janel ,Piptin, Maria ,Cousin Fulton, Ashley, The Caldwells , Eric , Courtney and Preston ) to transcribe the seminal yet slimy text its more stable translation. Out of Two months and a lot of paperwork here are Two Paragraphs.
The Columbus Cliff Notes ( In British , English and Stereotypical)
1492: We've Sailed the Seven Seas! Alas we have reached the place with the people and the what not. I uh would've uh got here a sooner but uh the ship came down with a mean case of something we have no name for. I believe it is that of the wenches we brought along ( Syphia Phillis , Clemmy Dia and Sexually Transmitted Diseases with Sexually being the most beautiful of them all ) We brought along there shrew of a whore mother Iva Herpes , which we proceeded to throw off the ship seventeen time but she just kept coming back which brought a lot of discharge to the deck. It was John Penicillin who finally got rid of her. Though a shrew , she loved us all and gave us a rather warm sensation.But I uh digressa. It's about seven thirty and we are still unpacken. I see a fire so maybe there's a nice kosher family over there. I take my gun , Sexually Transmitted Diseases and some of my men and ask politely ' Oy Is This Place Taken'? to which they reply No Mang it's crazy , like we live here and what not but you can stay here and like chill out " Being a spainard , and it being the new year I could tell these were my men playing a trick on me seeing as Nostradamus predicted Stereotypicalisms would not be cool til 2007. Ah the native saw us and came to greet us in a very nice fashion.
The Second Paragraph ( About Two Days from the period of the last sentence)
As I lay in my hut the sla I mean natives made for me , I felt a rather odd sensation on my (expletive) . It looked like that of a over stuff custard pie. "Discharge on a Tuesday how odd?" I said to myself looking at my Uncircumcised Sharona. The Chief High Priest or Simply Earl came into my tent."How ?" he said. " How indeed " I said as I looked at it . " You look sick , let chief priestess look at you " he said as he call for her. Discharge on a Tuesday must not be so bad , I get to get fondle by the chief priestess. After fainting from the seven swift blow to my crotch the chief priestess gave me upon seeing my well what used to be my member I am greeted by my lady love Pinta Santa Maria a name I bestowed my Native mistress though I'm not married. She hands me these Frankincense's that say You Get , the other one saying Well , and the other saying Son seeing as the Natives were not that of spelling nature but neither are we. These are my last words I'm writing before I safely tuck it in the crevasse of my lady love seeing as she has seen more action than this Robert Burford Jr , Nostradamus is talking about but hey really the way he's talkin about this guy who hasn't?
The Bowel Movement would like to report that after many Therapy Sessions , Robert Burford Jr or Mr. Bob will go on with this story
Wasn't that neat Ladies and Gentleman, that I pull out a something out of a lady seemingly older that the world and find out not only about balloons in the new world but I was a "Even I'm getting more than" reference sense 1492? I know it was for me. Lets move on
In conclusion , Balloons while being great for get well soons and birthdays and anniversaries , why not come out with the balloon of truth. I'd love to give a Balloon to a newlywed couple that says " I think it's going to work" . Or one to a old couple that say " Make Sure you Enjoy Today , By The Looks Of things It's Close". Or maybe to that special someone that says " That's Expletive , You Gave Me Herpes" . I and I'm closing would like to take this opportunity to salute you Aimra Sagvean for creating the balloon as well as being part of the first all boy band The Th3ee Wise Men" , Have a Good Nite America and Remember , if every time you unzip your pants and you get a standing ovations , you have the Clap.
This has been Robert Burford Jr. reporting for The Bowel Movement
© TBM 2007 Cause Shit Happens and Fecal Matters.
Oh You Stereotypical CGI : A Letter In Satire Form
Oh You Stereotypical CGI : A Letter In Satire Form
By Robert Burford Jr.
Dear Dreamworks Pixar and Future CGI porn movies ,
I'm tired of your underwhelming attempts of showing stereotypes to young children and the impressionable elderly. What you want an example? I'll give you some examples!
1. Shrek.
Thanks Dreamworks for making the black guy a "jive talking " ass , the Latino a pussy in hand me downs ( boots) and the Scottish , over bearing green ogres and the white princess pure until she falls in love with the minority and becomes a over bearing green ogre which leads me to believe someone in your company hates the taste of interracial relationships or at least got an STD from someone at the Scotland Yard section of Disney Land. Here where I live its a " If it's black it needs to go back" approach to movies shown downtown. Though donkey is a Surround Sound Dolby stereotype , his scenes were almost banned due to Murphy voicing him. It was either they don't show the movie or Bruce Willis overdubs and it's a go ahead. Plus donkey marries a big booty dragon? Are we to believe life imitates art and all blacks date purple * ahem white* big booty dragons? Although true , it should not be put in the heads of young black boys who prefer Asians. Puss N Boots? Might as well call him El Pantalones Le Poosy or Boon E Suzuki if you're that perverted. If I hear Puss N Boots udder the Phrase " Ey Princess , how bout some cervesa for me and my essay speedy" I will laugh which will eventually lead me to sue. The Scottish don't even get a proper treatment. You portray people from Scotland as mean , boorish but if intrigued by a Cameron Diaz type or voice by her , will be a gentle soul of a new kind. Well that one's sort of accurate , lets move on shall we?
2. Happy Feet
Dreamworks you're killing me . First you have a retarded penguin who tap dances when you know if you did your research retarded penguins hum The Cosby Show theme song ( Doesn't matter which season but the Bobby Mcferrin on preferably) and drink themselves stupid. Last time I check Robin Williams isn't Mexican! I suppose after your rallies in Idaho you take off your hood and come up with Ideas for Williams ( an At once funny man) as a Mexican , when you know Carlos Mencia makes a living at Waddling like a Penguin and acting DEE DEE DEE Stereophonicallytypical. Your loss , I think. I'd say more but you did have Prince do a song , so good on you. I think you did it on accident as Prince is Indeed , a Homosexual who gets more Puss N Boots while I get Monkey In Mapants.
3.Finding Nemo
Oh Really Pixar? You really think all Lesbians are Blue Fish huh? Well look at Rosie O Donnell will you ? She's clearly a Puffer fish or in Scientific terms a Blow Dyke.
4. Sharks Tale
Dreamwork , you racist bastards. Since when do fish live in the ghettos of the sea? I suppose when they drop out of the school of fish I suppose? Of all the jobs Will Smiths fish character could have you pick a Car Wash? Just because it was a song all kids who see this will turn to there 18 year old mom and ask " Mom who sings this song" to which she'll reply " I think it Aguilera with that black woman who lost all the weight and raps backwards , I don't know sweetie , I accidentally DVR'd BET , when I wanted The Hills on MTV , talk about scary"
So if a fish is black , his dad has to have an Afro. Look up , most of us are bald except Dewaun Bass, who coincidentally is an exception to the rule or Sam Burford . Oh yeah , have the Urban Fish fall in love with the White Fish and be at odds with her and be mixed with the Stereotypical Mafishia. I'm sure you'll one day make a movie where an Urban fish befriends a Gay shark voiced by Jack Black. Wait it's this movie too? I think I speak for Homosexuals when I say " Don't go there Girlfriend , I smack you and it'll hurt like the Dickens" . As you can see clearly I'm not a Homosexual. Sapien yes , sexual no.
(Not CGI but Goof Troop a story about a Black Single Dad and his son going on Misadventures. How far fetched , you know Goofy has Mad Bitches.)
This Concludes my letter you CGI racist .
Love,
Robert Burford Jr.
P.S. Have you read my script for Dingle Barry , the little turd who couldn't let go? Write me back or hit me up on The web site that starts with M.
(c) TBM 2007
By Robert Burford Jr.
Dear Dreamworks Pixar and Future CGI porn movies ,
I'm tired of your underwhelming attempts of showing stereotypes to young children and the impressionable elderly. What you want an example? I'll give you some examples!
1. Shrek.
Thanks Dreamworks for making the black guy a "jive talking " ass , the Latino a pussy in hand me downs ( boots) and the Scottish , over bearing green ogres and the white princess pure until she falls in love with the minority and becomes a over bearing green ogre which leads me to believe someone in your company hates the taste of interracial relationships or at least got an STD from someone at the Scotland Yard section of Disney Land. Here where I live its a " If it's black it needs to go back" approach to movies shown downtown. Though donkey is a Surround Sound Dolby stereotype , his scenes were almost banned due to Murphy voicing him. It was either they don't show the movie or Bruce Willis overdubs and it's a go ahead. Plus donkey marries a big booty dragon? Are we to believe life imitates art and all blacks date purple * ahem white* big booty dragons? Although true , it should not be put in the heads of young black boys who prefer Asians. Puss N Boots? Might as well call him El Pantalones Le Poosy or Boon E Suzuki if you're that perverted. If I hear Puss N Boots udder the Phrase " Ey Princess , how bout some cervesa for me and my essay speedy" I will laugh which will eventually lead me to sue. The Scottish don't even get a proper treatment. You portray people from Scotland as mean , boorish but if intrigued by a Cameron Diaz type or voice by her , will be a gentle soul of a new kind. Well that one's sort of accurate , lets move on shall we?
2. Happy Feet
Dreamworks you're killing me . First you have a retarded penguin who tap dances when you know if you did your research retarded penguins hum The Cosby Show theme song ( Doesn't matter which season but the Bobby Mcferrin on preferably) and drink themselves stupid. Last time I check Robin Williams isn't Mexican! I suppose after your rallies in Idaho you take off your hood and come up with Ideas for Williams ( an At once funny man) as a Mexican , when you know Carlos Mencia makes a living at Waddling like a Penguin and acting DEE DEE DEE Stereophonicallytypical. Your loss , I think. I'd say more but you did have Prince do a song , so good on you. I think you did it on accident as Prince is Indeed , a Homosexual who gets more Puss N Boots while I get Monkey In Mapants.
3.Finding Nemo
Oh Really Pixar? You really think all Lesbians are Blue Fish huh? Well look at Rosie O Donnell will you ? She's clearly a Puffer fish or in Scientific terms a Blow Dyke.
4. Sharks Tale
Dreamwork , you racist bastards. Since when do fish live in the ghettos of the sea? I suppose when they drop out of the school of fish I suppose? Of all the jobs Will Smiths fish character could have you pick a Car Wash? Just because it was a song all kids who see this will turn to there 18 year old mom and ask " Mom who sings this song" to which she'll reply " I think it Aguilera with that black woman who lost all the weight and raps backwards , I don't know sweetie , I accidentally DVR'd BET , when I wanted The Hills on MTV , talk about scary"
So if a fish is black , his dad has to have an Afro. Look up , most of us are bald except Dewaun Bass, who coincidentally is an exception to the rule or Sam Burford . Oh yeah , have the Urban Fish fall in love with the White Fish and be at odds with her and be mixed with the Stereotypical Mafishia. I'm sure you'll one day make a movie where an Urban fish befriends a Gay shark voiced by Jack Black. Wait it's this movie too? I think I speak for Homosexuals when I say " Don't go there Girlfriend , I smack you and it'll hurt like the Dickens" . As you can see clearly I'm not a Homosexual. Sapien yes , sexual no.
(Not CGI but Goof Troop a story about a Black Single Dad and his son going on Misadventures. How far fetched , you know Goofy has Mad Bitches.)
This Concludes my letter you CGI racist .
Love,
Robert Burford Jr.
P.S. Have you read my script for Dingle Barry , the little turd who couldn't let go? Write me back or hit me up on The web site that starts with M.
(c) TBM 2007
Being Mr. Bob, You're Everyday Weird O
Being Mr. Bob, You're Everyday Weird O
By Robert Burford Jr.
Without Introduction by Woody Allen.
Hi , I'm Mr. Bob , known in Britain as Mister Bob and in Rhode Island as Inmate Number 48(never been to jail folks , just like to joke about it) .Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, I am indeed bald. I noticed it when approaching an elderly woman in a Starbucks. I think she was around 24 or 29 my mind draws a blank, which is weird cause how can you draw a blank if there's nothing to draw. I'm sure it was that last statement that is why I am losing my hair. Doctors in my brain, call what I have HairScarce Deforestation.
My brother the other day asked me
"Hey Old Man, Get Out My House!"
Ok not really a question but I said, " Sam, you're cr"- before Sam, unbeknownst of my Baldness, punched me in the face, which is weird seeing as my dentures fell out. Women in 2007 had something to do with my baldness. I'm sure it's because I looked like one of their teachers back in the day, and I think it's also cause most of them were at least in there 50's.
It would always be the same thing, I'd go up to a woman and be like " Hey Baby, You Wanna Get out Of Here to Someplace more exciting?"
To which she replied
" This is my son's Bar Mitzpha and pull your pants up sir it looks like a retired staff sergeant with a war wound sitting on two over filled Walmart bags." Which was Truly baffling due to the Fact, there was a Jewish person in North Dakota besides Stan Goston, whom I hear, is everyone's favorite Jew next to Adam Sandler or to a select few, being me and a couple of others, Jesus. It was really a big misunderstanding; I um had forgotten to take my medication and DVR Matlock and Sanford And Son.
I'm not really old, but some would tell you other wise
I spoke to Sir Caldwellus or Calweezy as Asian Hispanic Gansta Extraordinaire J Sizzle refers him to. He had this to say,
" It's not that you look old, it's just that you're talking to the wrong women. I mean one you talked to was dead. So what if you didn't see a ring, if you looked closely you would've noticed she was missing a torso too. Being knighted by her majesty Queen Elizabeth not to be confused by The Queen Elizaboth, the singing Hermaphrodite from New Hampshire, has brought me a lot of offers from women, I'm married so I can't really act on any. Hey I'll tell you what, In True Mastodon Caldwellus fashion, I'll put in a good word with the queen to get you knighted. This will also be good as I'ved filled my" Help Negro friend with a problem" quota for a new year. Now how about some Taco Johns( which I learned is not eating burritos in the bathroom) ."
Ah Jolly Old London! I saw Big Ben and it was humongus and after I got out of the Donkey show, the clock was really nothing to talk about seeing as it's gone all digital and what not. A British woman came up to me who was very beautiful, and asked
" Ay you fancy a shag"
Wha? Maybe I didn't need the Sir in front of my name after all.
Ok" I said Hastily waiting.
I didn't realize she worked at Carpets And Shags. So after buying the rug (and turning the soon to be Royal Family Jewels Blue) It was off to Buckingham Palace, which was named after guitarist Lindsay Buckingham of Fleetwood Mac, though there was not a lot of pictures of the Tusk era or any at that. Sir Tan of Imallwaze Sureland greeted me.
" Yes, are you Sir Tan" I ask
" No but I think it's going to work out" he said "Ha! I am joking, a little British humor hasn't killed anyone, well except Mickey Boulder.
(Side note: Mickey Boulder's humor was so dry and witty, he died of Dehydration)
Being shown around was a treat in itself. The art in there was amazing. From pictures of Her Majesty, to The Bandita Of Texas, and Two Scantily Clad Pictures of Sir Monty Q with Three Asian Hookers in Vegas (which coincidentally was not a painting but a case of blinds not shut. How he did it while eating two oreo cookies and blindfolded and upside down had to be seen, by your eyes-only.
" Mister Bob, This Way. The Queen awaits you" Sir Tan said
Walking up all those flights of stairs was rough. Not to mention when you're giving someone a piggyback ride, which is the last time Sir Tan will EVER be carried thank you!
" We are here Mister Bob, and now the Queen"
Will Bob Meet The Queen? What Does She Look Like Under Her Clothes? Are You Horny Cause I AM!
-Mr. Bob
Part 2 Coming Soon.
(c)2008 TBM
By Robert Burford Jr.
Without Introduction by Woody Allen.
Hi , I'm Mr. Bob , known in Britain as Mister Bob and in Rhode Island as Inmate Number 48(never been to jail folks , just like to joke about it) .Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, I am indeed bald. I noticed it when approaching an elderly woman in a Starbucks. I think she was around 24 or 29 my mind draws a blank, which is weird cause how can you draw a blank if there's nothing to draw. I'm sure it was that last statement that is why I am losing my hair. Doctors in my brain, call what I have HairScarce Deforestation.
My brother the other day asked me
"Hey Old Man, Get Out My House!"
Ok not really a question but I said, " Sam, you're cr"- before Sam, unbeknownst of my Baldness, punched me in the face, which is weird seeing as my dentures fell out. Women in 2007 had something to do with my baldness. I'm sure it's because I looked like one of their teachers back in the day, and I think it's also cause most of them were at least in there 50's.
It would always be the same thing, I'd go up to a woman and be like " Hey Baby, You Wanna Get out Of Here to Someplace more exciting?"
To which she replied
" This is my son's Bar Mitzpha and pull your pants up sir it looks like a retired staff sergeant with a war wound sitting on two over filled Walmart bags." Which was Truly baffling due to the Fact, there was a Jewish person in North Dakota besides Stan Goston, whom I hear, is everyone's favorite Jew next to Adam Sandler or to a select few, being me and a couple of others, Jesus. It was really a big misunderstanding; I um had forgotten to take my medication and DVR Matlock and Sanford And Son.
I'm not really old, but some would tell you other wise
I spoke to Sir Caldwellus or Calweezy as Asian Hispanic Gansta Extraordinaire J Sizzle refers him to. He had this to say,
" It's not that you look old, it's just that you're talking to the wrong women. I mean one you talked to was dead. So what if you didn't see a ring, if you looked closely you would've noticed she was missing a torso too. Being knighted by her majesty Queen Elizabeth not to be confused by The Queen Elizaboth, the singing Hermaphrodite from New Hampshire, has brought me a lot of offers from women, I'm married so I can't really act on any. Hey I'll tell you what, In True Mastodon Caldwellus fashion, I'll put in a good word with the queen to get you knighted. This will also be good as I'ved filled my" Help Negro friend with a problem" quota for a new year. Now how about some Taco Johns( which I learned is not eating burritos in the bathroom) ."
Ah Jolly Old London! I saw Big Ben and it was humongus and after I got out of the Donkey show, the clock was really nothing to talk about seeing as it's gone all digital and what not. A British woman came up to me who was very beautiful, and asked
" Ay you fancy a shag"
Wha? Maybe I didn't need the Sir in front of my name after all.
Ok" I said Hastily waiting.
I didn't realize she worked at Carpets And Shags. So after buying the rug (and turning the soon to be Royal Family Jewels Blue) It was off to Buckingham Palace, which was named after guitarist Lindsay Buckingham of Fleetwood Mac, though there was not a lot of pictures of the Tusk era or any at that. Sir Tan of Imallwaze Sureland greeted me.
" Yes, are you Sir Tan" I ask
" No but I think it's going to work out" he said "Ha! I am joking, a little British humor hasn't killed anyone, well except Mickey Boulder.
(Side note: Mickey Boulder's humor was so dry and witty, he died of Dehydration)
Being shown around was a treat in itself. The art in there was amazing. From pictures of Her Majesty, to The Bandita Of Texas, and Two Scantily Clad Pictures of Sir Monty Q with Three Asian Hookers in Vegas (which coincidentally was not a painting but a case of blinds not shut. How he did it while eating two oreo cookies and blindfolded and upside down had to be seen, by your eyes-only.
" Mister Bob, This Way. The Queen awaits you" Sir Tan said
Walking up all those flights of stairs was rough. Not to mention when you're giving someone a piggyback ride, which is the last time Sir Tan will EVER be carried thank you!
" We are here Mister Bob, and now the Queen"
Will Bob Meet The Queen? What Does She Look Like Under Her Clothes? Are You Horny Cause I AM!
-Mr. Bob
Part 2 Coming Soon.
(c)2008 TBM
A Mr Bob Introduction. As Told In A Myspace About Me.
Now with Deleted Scenes!
The Reason Why Prisoners Bulk Up In Jail? A: Their High Protein Intake. From The Newly Discovered Shakespeare Novel Doth Takest From Behind
I'm Robert aka Mr. Bob , Most People Know Me From Such Films As What's That White Guy Doin Over- Oh I'm Sorry Robert Parts One Through Seventeen, Lets Remain Friends And Eat Cake The Greek Roman Robert Years Relationship Troublesome Years (Editors Note: It's Said That I in The Roman Times , was rejected for an orgy due to an indecisive skin color and somehow I was over qualified), And The Ever Popular Wow He's Bitter and Doesn't Have A Girlfriend , He Must Be Gay . Mr Bob and The Illiterate Minot Years.
As you see , I like to joke around. I used this same about me on Match.com , you know the advertisement you see when you sign out of certain websites starting with "My" of women who you would NEVER see on Match or True or Areyouserious.com . Anyway , I used it and I was the first person in History , even trumping the Great Dos Debacle of 1984 , to be turned down via website. Not that I didn't try or I wasn't confident but you know somethings up when the head of Match.com wants to set you up with his daughter , gives you a hug and say "Better Luck Next Time Ay Sport" which is weird cause my name is Robert.
I Love God, My Family , I Love Some Of My Friends and I Loathe Most. I Hate Superficalness , Materialism ,and I Definitely HATE ARROGANCE!! When I Grow Up : I Hope To Become A Really Successful Jewish Writer and a Recovering Sex Addict because the women couldn't get enough which we all know is the Most Obscene of Wishful Thinking. Oh I'm In The Military. I'm A Secu- Hey Where Did You Go! Love You Sunny Lane!!! - A Very Sumnifurous Mr. Bob ( Yes I know what that word means.)
I also joined to see if People who also blog or write for fun , like what I'm writing and hopefully have an open mind. Here's to the Future.
The Reason Why Prisoners Bulk Up In Jail? A: Their High Protein Intake. From The Newly Discovered Shakespeare Novel Doth Takest From Behind
I'm Robert aka Mr. Bob , Most People Know Me From Such Films As What's That White Guy Doin Over- Oh I'm Sorry Robert Parts One Through Seventeen, Lets Remain Friends And Eat Cake The Greek Roman Robert Years Relationship Troublesome Years (Editors Note: It's Said That I in The Roman Times , was rejected for an orgy due to an indecisive skin color and somehow I was over qualified), And The Ever Popular Wow He's Bitter and Doesn't Have A Girlfriend , He Must Be Gay . Mr Bob and The Illiterate Minot Years.
As you see , I like to joke around. I used this same about me on Match.com , you know the advertisement you see when you sign out of certain websites starting with "My" of women who you would NEVER see on Match or True or Areyouserious.com . Anyway , I used it and I was the first person in History , even trumping the Great Dos Debacle of 1984 , to be turned down via website. Not that I didn't try or I wasn't confident but you know somethings up when the head of Match.com wants to set you up with his daughter , gives you a hug and say "Better Luck Next Time Ay Sport" which is weird cause my name is Robert.
I Love God, My Family , I Love Some Of My Friends and I Loathe Most. I Hate Superficalness , Materialism ,and I Definitely HATE ARROGANCE!! When I Grow Up : I Hope To Become A Really Successful Jewish Writer and a Recovering Sex Addict because the women couldn't get enough which we all know is the Most Obscene of Wishful Thinking. Oh I'm In The Military. I'm A Secu- Hey Where Did You Go! Love You Sunny Lane!!! - A Very Sumnifurous Mr. Bob ( Yes I know what that word means.)
I also joined to see if People who also blog or write for fun , like what I'm writing and hopefully have an open mind. Here's to the Future.
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