Being Mr. Bob, You're Everyday Weird O

Being Mr. Bob, You're Everyday Weird O
By Robert Burford Jr.
Without Introduction by Woody Allen.

Hi , I'm Mr. Bob , known in Britain as Mister Bob and in Rhode Island as Inmate Number 48(never been to jail folks , just like to joke about it) .Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, I am indeed bald. I noticed it when approaching an elderly woman in a Starbucks. I think she was around 24 or 29 my mind draws a blank, which is weird cause how can you draw a blank if there's nothing to draw. I'm sure it was that last statement that is why I am losing my hair. Doctors in my brain, call what I have HairScarce Deforestation.
My brother the other day asked me
"Hey Old Man, Get Out My House!"
Ok not really a question but I said, " Sam, you're cr"- before Sam, unbeknownst of my Baldness, punched me in the face, which is weird seeing as my dentures fell out. Women in 2007 had something to do with my baldness. I'm sure it's because I looked like one of their teachers back in the day, and I think it's also cause most of them were at least in there 50's.
It would always be the same thing, I'd go up to a woman and be like " Hey Baby, You Wanna Get out Of Here to Someplace more exciting?"
To which she replied
" This is my son's Bar Mitzpha and pull your pants up sir it looks like a retired staff sergeant with a war wound sitting on two over filled Walmart bags." Which was Truly baffling due to the Fact, there was a Jewish person in North Dakota besides Stan Goston, whom I hear, is everyone's favorite Jew next to Adam Sandler or to a select few, being me and a couple of others, Jesus. It was really a big misunderstanding; I um had forgotten to take my medication and DVR Matlock and Sanford And Son.
I'm not really old, but some would tell you other wise
I spoke to Sir Caldwellus or Calweezy as Asian Hispanic Gansta Extraordinaire J Sizzle refers him to. He had this to say,
" It's not that you look old, it's just that you're talking to the wrong women. I mean one you talked to was dead. So what if you didn't see a ring, if you looked closely you would've noticed she was missing a torso too. Being knighted by her majesty Queen Elizabeth not to be confused by The Queen Elizaboth, the singing Hermaphrodite from New Hampshire, has brought me a lot of offers from women, I'm married so I can't really act on any. Hey I'll tell you what, In True Mastodon Caldwellus fashion, I'll put in a good word with the queen to get you knighted. This will also be good as I'ved filled my" Help Negro friend with a problem" quota for a new year. Now how about some Taco Johns( which I learned is not eating burritos in the bathroom) ."
Ah Jolly Old London! I saw Big Ben and it was humongus and after I got out of the Donkey show, the clock was really nothing to talk about seeing as it's gone all digital and what not. A British woman came up to me who was very beautiful, and asked
" Ay you fancy a shag"
Wha? Maybe I didn't need the Sir in front of my name after all.
Ok" I said Hastily waiting.
I didn't realize she worked at Carpets And Shags. So after buying the rug (and turning the soon to be Royal Family Jewels Blue) It was off to Buckingham Palace, which was named after guitarist Lindsay Buckingham of Fleetwood Mac, though there was not a lot of pictures of the Tusk era or any at that. Sir Tan of Imallwaze Sureland greeted me.
" Yes, are you Sir Tan" I ask
" No but I think it's going to work out" he said "Ha! I am joking, a little British humor hasn't killed anyone, well except Mickey Boulder.
(Side note: Mickey Boulder's humor was so dry and witty, he died of Dehydration)
Being shown around was a treat in itself. The art in there was amazing. From pictures of Her Majesty, to The Bandita Of Texas, and Two Scantily Clad Pictures of Sir Monty Q with Three Asian Hookers in Vegas (which coincidentally was not a painting but a case of blinds not shut. How he did it while eating two oreo cookies and blindfolded and upside down had to be seen, by your eyes-only.
" Mister Bob, This Way. The Queen awaits you" Sir Tan said
Walking up all those flights of stairs was rough. Not to mention when you're giving someone a piggyback ride, which is the last time Sir Tan will EVER be carried thank you!
" We are here Mister Bob, and now the Queen"
Will Bob Meet The Queen? What Does She Look Like Under Her Clothes? Are You Horny Cause I AM!
-Mr. Bob
Part 2 Coming Soon.
(c)2008 TBM