Listening to Exile From Guyville ( A Sign Of Things To Come?) I'm drawn to the drum beat of it's first song "6'1" , which is a great song and a great yet depression state album. Writing about Ms. Van (my ex) has helped me out , as seeing I'm not depressed anymore but I do miss her. It's sorta weird when the walls that had ears are abruptly deaf , never to hear the sounds of late nite laughter and the ecstasy chatter. Waking up before her I'd think "Jesus must have fired an angel who'd only loved me from above" ( can you tell I like to write poetry?) The glorious threes weeks is what I'd call this Comedy of Errors.
She like Monty Python for cryin out loud!!! I say that cause it's hard to find a women who is fine, funny and a blast to be with whom also likes the art that is Python. We'd had so much in common it was ridiculous. (Side Note: Seeing as I just got over this , It's hard to write this Comedy of Errors in that , she was that meaningful to me) The nonsensical conversations of two young ones in love. I dreamt the day I'd find someone who'd keep me in there thought that weren't family , it was all true or the sticker hadn't peeled off of reality's' peephole if you will.
I'd gotten mono for some odd and stupid reason ( I should not have taken that dare to kiss that hobo who had a sign that said "I'd be careful if you kiss me as a dare, I do have mono you know" and after I kissed him on the cheek , he turned the sign over and it said " I'm sorry" and he drew a tear from his sockets as we gave him 20 bucks)
I'd gotten Mono on a Great day , a day in which my baby had loved me still and we were happy. As the nite progressed , the worse I got . Body rash , swelling itching brain , stupid morbid dreams, all a part of this nite or the arc of the relationship. She stayed by my side , I was thankful for her , very much so.
Fade to the last three weaks ( spelled on purpose)
I was trying to get better for the sake of myself but to say not her is to lie . Seeing her by my side was still a blessing to me. Something out of one of those sad romantic movies happened to me . Of all the movies I'd like to do some sort of Dirty Dancing "Nobody puts Sarah in a corner" holds her up in the air and have the "Best Time Of Our Lives" ordeal. The feeling the flowed from her seemed faded if not non existent , as if it were sweet fabricated memories of what I wanted to see. As she became distant , I slowly grew into a Great Depression though money I still had.She still loved me is what she told me , but it was as if it was automated response and not something from the heart of her desires. Gradually the writing I had done became the same depressing poems I did when I went after another.
Seeing her at work was great but a chore as I'd thought mind games had came to play. UGH! Mind games I HATE THEM. Thinking I was getting the silent treatment , I was so confused and talking to great friends helped but it should have been with her whom I wanted to share my life with. Come to find out she felt the same , not of the mind games , but the fact she should be telling me things in her life and not leaving me in dim darkness .
The Long Talk , was something of private importance , so out of respect for her , I will not include it. Wait for the deleted scenes.
After it happened , the quiet goodbye , I was LIVID ! This was supposed to happen , I prayed I would find someone like her , and even when God gives me a shot , I miss the swing at the last second. I got through it though . Still listening to Liz Phair , she reminds me of the song Fuck and Run , the part that goes "I can feel it in my bones , I'm gonna spend my whole life alone"
I'm not bitter towards her and I'm not the anti hero or the good guy of this story . I'm somniferous but I just wasn't the excitement she was looking for. It lasted past Valentines Day Least I wasn't a VD loser.
Till I find someone who can make me laugh , be beautiful , and Love me for me at the same time, Sarah will be an Image burned into my brain , and with the right ointments , it feels good.
Here's to you and may you find the happiness that the world says is real.
-Robert L. Burford Jr.
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