Mr Bob and Red Bear Burfkins Part One

Urdone4Magazine Presents Mr. Bob and Red Bear Burfkins

So I got this bear for ValentinesDay from a girl whom rather I'd be on mute , that's neither here nor your business. I was sitting in my chair about to watch All About Eve , a french porn of the same movie though the title in french is "Puut It In Le Poopur?" With my mind focused on the computer screen , I hear a

" So you want to know the truth about stuffed animals ya schmuck?"

"Who said that ?" I say pulling up my um email account

"Me ya douche" said the red bear given to me on VD day by Vdubious

Not questioning as to why I was a bear was talking to me I asked him

" Why do I want to know about the truth of stuffed animals?"

"Why wouldn't you? I mean you obviously are alone so , what the hell else do you have to do?"

He was rite , being a professional at the art of love though mostly the turn out to be merely unstructured Picasso's ,and by that I mean beautiful in it's unorthodox. Wait What? No , I mean I'd just gotten dump by someone who thinks Dirty Dancing is a Classic ... yeah.

"You're rite. Say Bear whats your name?"

He looks at me and says " I'm Red Bear Burfkins , but I'm Red for short"

"OK Red , lets start off by asking , what did you do before you became my gift"

Red : Well I was a Private Investigator for Sesame Street. Remember the Cookie Monster Suicide?

Bob : Yeah , what about it?

Red : I did the background work for it and there's more to Sesame Street than meet the Eye is spelled with an e if you know what I mean?

Bob : Like what?

Red: There's so many things , like Elmo was originally Emo . He was as blue as Grover but cut him self so much , well he turned red. It's not because he was made that way , he's just stained with the blood of unsuccessful suicide attempts.

Bob : Um wow . what about Ernie and Burt?

Red : Oh the Ginosky Brothers? For the record not gay . If you say they are I'll ring your neck. Not you Bob but to the weirdos who give them a bad name. I just went to Ernies sons Bar Mitzpha .

Bob : So much stuff um , What about Big Bird?

Red : Oh no he's a big queer. They don't call him a Swallow for nothin , if you know what I mean (laughs) But yeah , him and his "partner" with the big what have you are always , well lets just say they always rock the nest . It does disgust me hearing " OH Bird , Give It To Me Bird " you know?

Bob : What about Cabbage Patch Kids? Do they have some unexplained story?

Red: Wha ? You serious , they are an unexplained story. They're called Cabbage Patch kids because the owner was teased by a gang of mentally handicapped .

Bob : No way , come on

Red : Serious. He said and I quote , I'll get those Big Headed Cabbage Patch Kids If It's the last thing I do. I mean it would be kind of hard to have a doll called Vegetable and market it you know?

Bob: I suppose . Thats kind of un P C huh?

Red : I didn't say it. We're not all cuddly you know? Just the other day I had a talk with a very disturbed tickle me Elmo who said that it was awful to see the look on the kids face when he found out that Elmo was the other man in his mothers life. I don't think it appropriate to hear HAHA that tickles and hear a mom reply You Don't Know The Half Of It. It's disturbing. Makes me sick. I'm tired can we finish this some other time?

Bob : Sure , Good Nite Red Bear Burfkins

Red: Why you named me that I'll never know but you kept me so I'll deal. Good Nite Mr. Bob

Part Two Coming Soon Including The Truth About Beanie Babies and How Stuffed Monkeys Are Evil!

(c) 2008