The OHGOD or Overtexting Her Goes On Deadly is a organization that helps those who can't stop when it comes to Texting women or women they like . Pleasdonttextmeanymourous Is A Disease that is cured by dating or the often sought after Woeisme Energy drink. Most times Overtexting is cause by the death of a phone or maybe shear paranoia after a few drinks. I remember Justin Moapis said to me He and his wife got a divorce because his jokes were just lol and not ROTFL.
The Overtext is a growing epidemic. I've been a victim of it. Just two years ago I was texting normal , getting my fair share of LOL's and :)'s . Then I couldn't stop ! My fingers asking stupid stuff like how's your nite going? *(for the fifth time)* and Would you rather commit suicide or watch a dane cook special ( which that question ends in a stalemate.). It started in the 1800's way before texting.
Jonah Mordor was a folk singer and a jester. His hit with Lil John and his merry men " What's with all this famine and Trickery?" was what Shakespere called Doth Eh. Jonah being a man of big stature loved a feeble yet beautiful woman named Euclid . He would always shoot arrows to her window and she'd always E-mule and it was a pain in the ass , yes I know , I just hope your brain isn't lactose intolerant. One day his verizon arrow missed the sprint window and hit her in her eye which was horrible as she was a pirate before and had removed her eye as well as her ears when Shakepere wrote a horrible play called Topus Gunnus.
She was completely blind and deaf. She broke up with him as he would constantly write in braile and she could not feel where he was coming from anymore.
We at OHGOD help our patients feel at home . We sit them down with the sound of dialtones filling the room. We do aroma therapy which consist of the smell of a dead battery in lavender and a dad crying because he just saw the phone bill. We do therapy sessions every Tuesday and Friday. Let's listen in shall we?
Hi my name is Eric and I'm an Overtexter
(Room says Hi Eric!)
I couldn't stop. It was going good. She actually texted me how I was goin you know ? Me! I'm always the one who does it. Two hours of LOL's and I think I got a sentimental Smiley . It was the great Ben Franklin who said "Bitches Love Smiley Faces". Then my thumb got tingly. I'd just made a good joke and then I started asking lame question after lame question like " What do you think about the theory of relativity? or "If Today Is Not Tommorow then is the past the present when the future comes to light or is the future the past and we exist in the present tommorow if it's really not today?" you know lame stuff like that . Which is weird though as the response I got was that of Huh? and What are you Patronizing me?. I had to suffice and tell a dane cook joke . It was a last resort , trust me.
( The Dane cook joke that was used)
If you're going to type a Dane Cook Joke Make sure you use caps lock.)
I GO TO THE MALL AND THERES THIS OLD GUY AND I'M LIKE HEY OLD GUY AND I PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE AND THERES BLOOD EVERYWHERE AND I'M A TOOL SO I LAUGHED AND HE DROPPED A SALT SHAKER IN HIS PANTS AND HE WENT INTO A SEIZURE AND I SAID TO MYSELF I WISH I HAD DROPPED MY FRIES CAUSE THAT DAMN OLD BASTARD TOOK MY SALT. ( Then the joke goes into how he denouced God became the anti christ and made half the world angry seeing as loud isn't funny unless you're Sam Kinison or A TV Evangelist"but by this time half the audience is asleep.)
Anyway back to the therapy session.
She said LOL and then she said I was a sell out because I didn't have a kick ass signature like Stacys Bitch. Which is weird cause her name was Maureen.
If you ever feel like you're at the end of you're texting rope , come to OHGOD. It'll give you're thumbs a rest.
If you want a brochure send it to :
OHGOD
Notagain , Rhode Island
911911
(c) 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Mr Bob Loses His Keys
It was Friday and it was all set. I'd just gotten off work , a good start to a good day. We turn in our weapons and go home which is weird as I work at the Shopette. J.K. Anyway after dreaming of Tall girls with short hair , I got up and said it's time for a run. Something told me to stay home. I mean I had a hot date with this red head I'd met at Barnes and Noble and there was this huge party , life was Sweet to say the least .
Listening to Rick Ross's Everyday I'm Hustlin gets me pumped as I run around. Headphones in ears , my phone on blast and my keys a jingling. 60 minutes of happiness and enlightenment. I felt God in my soul running down the sidewalk of a No Morale town . Sweat comes off my head as I go to the Shoppete as water is a must. So there I am running Headphones in ears , my phone on blast and my ke... My KEYS! Where the hell are my keys?! I look around searching desperately for them.
4:00pm
I walk the same path over and over .
One New Text Message
Brooke
I'm Really Excited about our nite ! I have to tell you , I've always been stood up though , but I know you're different. By the way, No Undies tonite Hehe . :)
Two thoughts came to mind :
When she said no undies , did she mean me or her?
B: What the ! If I can't find my keys it's no Regina tonite .Gaaaaaay. True Story
Text her back a " I can't wait either :0) Not Gonna Lie ."
Though uh yeah Reeealy was. It's almost five and the suns still up thank God. I've only a prayer and a cell phone and a lil mile davis to calm me down. This is gonna suck , I'm sure
5:00
I walk back to the dorms to my friend Hugh Speds room. He's on his new computer doing God knows What . I'm just glad it's static free so when he..um yeah. Anyway Hugh and Riddler are doing nerdish things I wish I could be doin , and I tell him
Mr. Bob : Dude I Lost My Keys
Hugh and Riddler Simultaneously : Dude That Sucks.
Hugh : You can borrow my car if you want.
Mr. Bob : Thank You
That was not the only time I'd hear "Well That Sucks" come out of a friends mouth. If' I'd made it to Brookes in time I wish "Sucks that well " would've came out of my mouth in Yoda like Fashion
Time is going on like a mad man watching Flavor Of Love asking himself " why did Hanky the Christmas Poo get his own show? He looks so life like" With Hughs car almost at empty , I quickly rush it to the parking lot , give him his keys back , borrow a hoody ( which I still have to wash ) and I'm back to walking the same path again which is about two miles.
6:00
I'm sure now a Prairie Dog mistook me for Hines The Dak Rat Hunter and stole my keys. It's plain to see now that my keys are long gone. Sooooo GAY! I go back and look in my dorms again and I see Jersey a friend of mine in his Tom Cruise in Cocktail sunglasses waving hello. I tell him my situation and he says
"That sucks.Dude , we must find these keys. It's almost as if we're like Bill and Ted but like you're Bill Cosby or something"
We search in his car , search somemore and search again. No Cigar but alot of cigarette butts. Looking towards the sun and down at my watch it's now . OH MY GOODNESS Eight O CLock!!!!
Two Missed Text Messages
One From Sparrow
One From Brooke
Sparrow
Heard about the key situation. That Sucks . Not gonna lie. What are you gonna do?
Brooke
Hey Babe! I'm here at the Party , let me know when you get here. I'm in this hot ass red dress and all the guys are checkin out my cleavage.
I text sparrow:
I'm going to keep looking . The suns going down so the keys are going to have to shine somewhere.
I Text Brooke:
Brookie Bear I have a confession to make . I lost my keys while I was running .
No text back so far.
8:30 : I've done approx. 12 miles on foot mostly walking. My keys are no where to be found. It's mad! I'm going insane asking God " Why Can't I Find My KEYS! I'm Not Yelling or Questioning you but Please Help!" ... I still can't find them.
Two new Text messages
Brooke.
:/ I guess you're not goin then. I got all dressed up for nothing. Didn't I tell you running was bad. At least you had a legit excuse. You want me to come help?
Sparrow
Well I have faith God will help you find your keys.
I respond with a Yes To Brooke and I know he will to Sparrow
It's getting dark and I'm getting nowhere . My keys long gone . Passer by must've took em or kids getting off the bus. It's a shame when you are feeling better bout yourself and the Devil wants your demise immediately.
I thought about it though and I'd rather lose my keys than a loved one. I get back to my locked dorm and the Cops come and let me in. Brooke come later in cute sweatpants and a Red Target shirt. She's beautiful and here for me . It's refreshing.
I never found my keys that day. They said the party was one of those You'd Had to be there. Even The Boon E Suzuki was there break dancing. Celeste and Watts where doin body shots off of midgets snorting cocaine off of white girls who acted black who danced like Hispanics with problems while Tony Molae did the soulja boy with Airborne Regional Caldwellus who proclaimed Caucasia was coming who did the strangest thing and made a very drunk Beansy who was with her home girl Kristaal rapped about the war all this while on that patron!
Party's these daze are overrated and Sparrow said none of that happened anyway. Pure Sausage fest were her exact words though I'm sure she was tryin to make me feel better.
I miss you my keys , come back and lets drive on and open the doors to new horizons.
-Mr Bob
(c) 2008
Listening to Rick Ross's Everyday I'm Hustlin gets me pumped as I run around. Headphones in ears , my phone on blast and my keys a jingling. 60 minutes of happiness and enlightenment. I felt God in my soul running down the sidewalk of a No Morale town . Sweat comes off my head as I go to the Shoppete as water is a must. So there I am running Headphones in ears , my phone on blast and my ke... My KEYS! Where the hell are my keys?! I look around searching desperately for them.
4:00pm
I walk the same path over and over .
One New Text Message
Brooke
I'm Really Excited about our nite ! I have to tell you , I've always been stood up though , but I know you're different. By the way, No Undies tonite Hehe . :)
Two thoughts came to mind :
When she said no undies , did she mean me or her?
B: What the ! If I can't find my keys it's no Regina tonite .Gaaaaaay. True Story
Text her back a " I can't wait either :0) Not Gonna Lie ."
Though uh yeah Reeealy was. It's almost five and the suns still up thank God. I've only a prayer and a cell phone and a lil mile davis to calm me down. This is gonna suck , I'm sure
5:00
I walk back to the dorms to my friend Hugh Speds room. He's on his new computer doing God knows What . I'm just glad it's static free so when he..um yeah. Anyway Hugh and Riddler are doing nerdish things I wish I could be doin , and I tell him
Mr. Bob : Dude I Lost My Keys
Hugh and Riddler Simultaneously : Dude That Sucks.
Hugh : You can borrow my car if you want.
Mr. Bob : Thank You
That was not the only time I'd hear "Well That Sucks" come out of a friends mouth. If' I'd made it to Brookes in time I wish "Sucks that well " would've came out of my mouth in Yoda like Fashion
Time is going on like a mad man watching Flavor Of Love asking himself " why did Hanky the Christmas Poo get his own show? He looks so life like" With Hughs car almost at empty , I quickly rush it to the parking lot , give him his keys back , borrow a hoody ( which I still have to wash ) and I'm back to walking the same path again which is about two miles.
6:00
I'm sure now a Prairie Dog mistook me for Hines The Dak Rat Hunter and stole my keys. It's plain to see now that my keys are long gone. Sooooo GAY! I go back and look in my dorms again and I see Jersey a friend of mine in his Tom Cruise in Cocktail sunglasses waving hello. I tell him my situation and he says
"That sucks.Dude , we must find these keys. It's almost as if we're like Bill and Ted but like you're Bill Cosby or something"
We search in his car , search somemore and search again. No Cigar but alot of cigarette butts. Looking towards the sun and down at my watch it's now . OH MY GOODNESS Eight O CLock!!!!
Two Missed Text Messages
One From Sparrow
One From Brooke
Sparrow
Heard about the key situation. That Sucks . Not gonna lie. What are you gonna do?
Brooke
Hey Babe! I'm here at the Party , let me know when you get here. I'm in this hot ass red dress and all the guys are checkin out my cleavage.
I text sparrow:
I'm going to keep looking . The suns going down so the keys are going to have to shine somewhere.
I Text Brooke:
Brookie Bear I have a confession to make . I lost my keys while I was running .
No text back so far.
8:30 : I've done approx. 12 miles on foot mostly walking. My keys are no where to be found. It's mad! I'm going insane asking God " Why Can't I Find My KEYS! I'm Not Yelling or Questioning you but Please Help!" ... I still can't find them.
Two new Text messages
Brooke.
:/ I guess you're not goin then. I got all dressed up for nothing. Didn't I tell you running was bad. At least you had a legit excuse. You want me to come help?
Sparrow
Well I have faith God will help you find your keys.
I respond with a Yes To Brooke and I know he will to Sparrow
It's getting dark and I'm getting nowhere . My keys long gone . Passer by must've took em or kids getting off the bus. It's a shame when you are feeling better bout yourself and the Devil wants your demise immediately.
I thought about it though and I'd rather lose my keys than a loved one. I get back to my locked dorm and the Cops come and let me in. Brooke come later in cute sweatpants and a Red Target shirt. She's beautiful and here for me . It's refreshing.
I never found my keys that day. They said the party was one of those You'd Had to be there. Even The Boon E Suzuki was there break dancing. Celeste and Watts where doin body shots off of midgets snorting cocaine off of white girls who acted black who danced like Hispanics with problems while Tony Molae did the soulja boy with Airborne Regional Caldwellus who proclaimed Caucasia was coming who did the strangest thing and made a very drunk Beansy who was with her home girl Kristaal rapped about the war all this while on that patron!
Party's these daze are overrated and Sparrow said none of that happened anyway. Pure Sausage fest were her exact words though I'm sure she was tryin to make me feel better.
I miss you my keys , come back and lets drive on and open the doors to new horizons.
-Mr Bob
(c) 2008
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