Believe it or not The Mr. Bob Monologues.

Believe it or not The Mr. Bob Monologues.
Letters To Others. The Backstory
I was trying to get to know my ex girlfriends friends , which in hindsight just made me laugh.I’m a man born with a mind that’s so outside that those inside won’t let me return when I want to be "Normal" you know? The names have been changed . Don’t know why but they have but hey , who really cares?"
(February 1st 2008)
Hi Malaysia , if you don't know by now my name is Robert , and it would kinda sad if you didn't seeing as How famous I am in Japan. My Hit Movies A Chink In The Armor ( which was banned in several countries I don't know why) and Me Love You Long Time ( a Japanese romantic horror movie and not my best work as it was indeed Japanese and I had no Idea what was going on.Kung Pow Indeed)That's actually how Babel and I met. She might tell you about some story about her and I at a restaurant but don't believe it. While on tour with The Wu Tang Clan , being the new member taking over old dirty bastards spot (as pretty young clean douchebag), we again were in Japan and she was performing a show called VDUBIOUS , a Mystery show in which lasted two days , as well you know of her short term memory would forget it was indeed a mystery show and the cops were tired of her calling her everytime someone dropped fake dead or ate the food there , which is strange as they named a dish after me call Creamofsumyongguy , don't know why though. Anyway , she was in a Kimono and she said "Wow Bwack and Not Steweotwypical , how Iwonic" Yes Melinger she did have a lisp back then , which our account of how she got rid of it was documented in the 1969 movie Apocalypse Now.Ok So I'm crazy sue me. I know you and Melinger are like this ( Insert finger cross here) I just wanted to let you know that I'm not a douchebag and that I have the utmost respect for your sis. I care about her alot , but actions speak louder than the words a keyboard types so I've alot to prove and gain.I'm happy and I think she is too , actually I know , though her nickname for me ( which is Punk Ass Bitch, romantic isn't it ?) is a dead giveaway.Well have a good nite and be safe , hope to hear from you.-Robert
(Editors Note: Shortly thereafter became the first one to say F You using hieroglyphics though how an owl is used for the F word is beyond me. I digress as It’s my first offense)
This next letter was written several years ago. Its since then been my notebook and was transcribed by Several Jewish men . When I told then I didnt want words like Meshuggnah or
Oy! In it . They got offended , turned their big noses and left. Undaunted I transcribed this letter and come to find out , really wrote it seven Minutes Later!)
Or at least that what I gathered from your profile. Hi Shirley,or should I say thee "Infamous" , from the stuff Babel told me of you . You know , the saving the innocent and the ability to fly and what not. So before I introduce myself , I must ask you a question. To feel Ninja , is it to feel Asian and if an Asian feels Ninja is he feeling himself ? Is that why they're always , you know what know gonna go there. Though I do think the Phrase "Whats Up My Ninja?" is just the Caucasian way of Not Getting In Trouble around black people. First off let me tell you , I am indeed insane. In a good way , I only take at least 45 pills every two hours , which is a pain in the ass. No I'm serious , they're suppositories , which is spelled completely wrong.Babel is what you call my female doppleganger in that we have a lot in common but at the same time are stubborn , not to mention she can bench press me , or was bitch slap , my mind slips. I'm a runner , which explains why I lost the front part of my hair. Babel is only dating me to help me find it , then it's breakups ville and off to marry Gerard Butler of 300 fame. When she finds out he's in the kinky stuff , like you know sex toy , dog sweat ( thats what I hear and thats how he got so pumped up for Phantom of The Opera ). I can't help the way I am.......ahem... this is the part where you say it's going to be ok sheesh. Well it's off to watch Rock Of Love 2 and see which Venereal Disease he'll get this year. Maybe Poison , HA!Be safe and hope to hear from you.
( which in turn REAALLLY DIDN’T. True story. I kinda think I offended her. Oh not with words just the mere fact I mentioned the word Ninja. She got offended seeing as Ninjas are that of a easily offended breed. It took several years for ninjas to be able to marry mimes in what some called " A Silent Ceremony" . Let me tell you the releasing and killing of the fake doves at Marcel Marceau Memorial was Beautiful , from what I heard , which wasn’t much , actually no I take that back I think I’m deaf. I digress as this was my second offense What can I say , I’m a repeat offender.
(I wrote this back when I was touring with Dylan back in the Sixties. Yep , kinda told him to go electric. Didn’t really go so well but people are fickle bastards some time. The day acoustic died my ass. No really my ass did die , we buried it in Canoga Park next to a thousand Latino Butts. It was sad and rather foul.)
Dear Dr Zeaus
My spleen , whom we'll say is named Ronald from Rhode Island , you're guess is as good as mine , and I had a heart to heart though it was really a weirdo to spleen , anyway I told him it's not the size that counts it's how you want the x-ray to perceive you. He agreed and after this rather insane public affair happened I got invited to a hip club called Bell Vue or something. Hmm. Oh my brother would like to know when The Monkees are playing. Get it cause you’re Dr. Zeaus you know the planet of the...never mind. Being a Weird O like myself took alot of practice Mr. Z. As you can tell by my Pulitzer Prize winning Myspace messages (which they took away from me seeing as I don't know how to spell Pulitzer) I'm indeed insane. Not the bad blow up the world insane, that's Hussein it's different than sane but he's dead and that’s neither here nor there. I had a talk with a red stuffed animal bear your babel gave to me whom I called Bear Bob Burfkins The third (Prestigious Eh?) whom informed me that it's not easy being a stuffed animal. Burfkins went on to add " We're not all cuddly you know? Just the other day I had a talk with a very disturbed tickle me Elmo who said that it was awful to see the look on the kids face when he found out that Elmo was the other man in his mothers life. I don't think it appropriate to hear HAHA that tickles and hear a mom reply You Don't Know The Half Of It."It was a rather long conversation that will be on audio only probably a whole world of never but maybe someday.
( Pretty Soon after this attempt at .. Well I guess a "Hi , how are you?" Mr Bob Style ,I was like a unsober Bandita , Swing and a Misses . As you can tell it clearly worked as I’m now single.....Wait what? Heeey!)
© 2008 Anume.